Sometimes I wish I could slap my mum

I've never had a decent relationship with my mum. It isn't due to lack of trying. I think my mum is narcissistic and abusive.

Since I was 4, I've been hit with the hand/slapped or multiple random objects, yelled at, locked in dark rooms, been chased with a burning hot item to get burnt, been chased with an electric bat, had my shoes and clothes thrown out of the house, would get hit more because my mum claimed her hand hurt when she hit me, made to drink milk with ants, are among the physical harm I remember.

She'd often be nasty when I score a 17/20 instead of 19, call parents of guys in my class who were extremely violent and make a systematic plan to scare tf out of me, would call parents of children who'd fail and cry about how much of a failure I am, call the parents of top scorers and ask them what did they do differently to make their child score better, plan to drop me at my uncle's place (my uncle is extremely physically abusive and has almost beat his child to death) she'd plan to drop me there so that I get abused too, she'd cry and yell when I'd not draw or colour, sing, dance or play as well as my cousin, humiliate me infront of guests, expect me to thank her everytime she gave me food, milk or water I'd get yelled at or hit if I would forget, list goes on ngl.

When I was around 10, I was forced into this music class and for pressured into taking part in reality shows. Both my mum and the music teacher were abusive and when my music teacher humiliated me, my mum would feel humiliated and abuse my physically and psychologically at home. I've never been allowed to go out and play as a child because I was always supposed to study or do co curriculars.

While the physical abuse continued for 8-10 years, (edit: 14 years. Not 8-10. My bad) the emotional abuse extended post the same. I'm 21 rn and I'm not allowed to go out with my friends for more than a couple of hours once a week, not allowed for sleep overs, none of my friends are allowed to come home etc. The constant abuse led me develop a phobia towards anything competitive including exams. Even looking at a question paper makes me want to puke. I feel like fainting while studying. I've survived 7 ODs including one which almost took me to a state of coma a couple of months ago and God knows how many SH attempts since I was an 8 yo. I used to be a deans list student until 2 years ago but after that, something snapped. My anxiety makes me puke and faint before exams and i end up missing them. I ended up missing 19 exams over the past couple of years. All of which I should give before i graduate next year. I'm under 5 pills for severe anxiety, depression and OCD which make me physically exhausted.

Yesterday in the midst of a fight, among a plethora of things my mum yelled a couple of them went like, "I wish you and your grand mum died", you make me want to commit suicide. "I will commit suicide just so you regret not loving me and to prove that something bad can happen to me too" "you are the one who's ruined your life. You don't have the audacity to take responsibility for it, which is why you blame me".

While I've told my father and sister about the abuse, nobody seems mad at her because she'd do it when I'm alone. And honestly since the time I left home for University, my sister is not the same person I once could confide in. My mum constantly cries and victimises herself infront of my sister giving her an impression of me doing something bad to my mum and making her feel the necessity to protect her. I genuinely feel lonely and I don't know whom to confide in. I don't think therapy is taking me anywhere and my partner gets very aggressive when I tell them and says they hope my mum dies. That's not what I want to hear. I probably need a bit of gentleness and acknowledgement because that's precisely what I've never received.

I have an exam day after tomorrow and I'm just stuck with what she said yesterday. She doesn't even let me use the word abuse and starts crying endlessly the moment I confront her. But tbh I really don't think she has any remorse. I'm so worried that my bad academic record might get me stuck with her and the thought makes me sick to my gut and want to puke and pass away. I really don't know how I can help myself atp when even getting out of bed feels heavy and like a chore. Is this normal? Am I overreacting or something? Any words or suggestions would help. This is probably the tip of the ice berg. I don't think I can type out each and everything here. Is this all my life is/will be? Also, if I go no contact with her my dad and sister will probably go no contact with me and i genuinely love them.