I'm scared of death but I'm still suicidal

This is really important and I need your help urgently. This might take some time, and I'm sorry for that.

Hi, my name is Manuela and I'm 24 years old. I'm terminally ill since I was born and I am dying. Long story short: I've been in a wheelchair since... always and forever. I could never walk. My health gets worse over time and there's no cure, not even a chance of me getting any better health wise. I need constant help with almost everything 24/7 due to an illness that causes my muscles to waste away since birth. I've been having chronic chest pain for 6 years and I've been on Morphine/Fentanyl for 5 now (I also have other kinds of pains due not being able to move a lot, due to being skinny and barely having any muscles ((bones picking on/through my skin and leaving pressure marks on certain areas in any position that I'm in for a little bit of time without moving)) which causes unbearable pain). I've been in palliative care on and off (right now I'm not, there's nothing the doctors can do so they want me to stay home if possible to be able to spend time with my loved ones as long as I still can).

Because of my illness (Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 2, SMA 2 for short) I also have severe breathing issues (I have to be on life support ever since I was 3 years old - which is a medical device that helps you to breathe - but I don't use it because it causes severe chest pain and the mask leaves severe pressure marks on my face (nose and T-bone area) which they turn into open wounds that hurt so much and it's a huge infection risk) that's why I'm trying to breathe on my own for as long as I still can, even if I'm struggling and I need to have an oxygen mask (most of the time in summer when it's hot or when I'm sick). I also have severe swallowing issues (especially with certain types of food like meat, rice etc) all due to lack of strength and I keep on losing more strength without being able to gain any.

All in all: My life has been tough. I have a lot of trauma from all the health issues I've had, all the treatments from doctors in hospitals, staying in hospitals, mostly in intensive care units on and off from birth until I was 12. It was like this: 2 weeks in hospital/ICU and then 2-3 days home and repeat for the first first 12 years of my life. I have been having nightmares almost every time I sleep for as long as I can remember for my entire life. I cry in my sleep every now and then, and I say stuff like "no, please don't, no, please". I don't and can't remember doing that when I wake up. But my family wakes me up sometimes when they hear me crying in my sleep and they tell me about it.

This is just the tip of the iceberg really. But I want to keep it short yet tell and explain some of the things I've gone through so maybe you'd understand. I'm really sorry for writing so much but if you are still here and reading this, thank you. It means so much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I was 12. That's when I started self harming, too. I also tried to end myself many times, but somehow... I couldn't. I was heavily bullied in school for 3 years (when I was 12 until I was 15) for looking the way I do. I like feeling and dressing pretty, and most girls felt intimidated so they told everyone rumors about me (saying that I was a hoe, sleeping around with every guy etc) so everyone started laughing at me and hating me. I got blackmailed daily and it was just horrible. I wish these girls know I'm still a virgin today. I bet they'd feel stupid for judging me based off my looks (though I always dressed appropriately, never showed my legs and stomach, but my clothes and outfits were still more glamorous than average, and I had my nails done and started wearing lipstick and mascara at 11) all because my mom also treated me like a doll so I always HAD to look perfect all the time, I always had to be smiling and never show any signs of weakness. She literally hit and slapped me on my face every time I cried. So I tried to hide my negative emotions and feeling pretty young. But... I am an empath, INFJ. If I am sad, my tears stream down my face no matter how much I try not to cry. I can't help it. I still have a smile on my face but I can't control my tears. Now, I always have a smile on my face, but it's not genuine most of the time. I don't want anyone to see what I'm truly feeling because I don't want to make anyone worry about me.

Being an INFJ Empath maybe explains why I'm suffering so much emotionally and mentally. I seem to only attract narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths, that's why I'm alone and I don't have any friends because I'm afraid of being hurt and used, then thrown away again. I love animals and helping people. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe everyone is here for a reason - everything and everyone has a purpose. But I can't seem to find mine. I'm useless, quite literally. I need help with almost everything and I don't know what I can offer other than a good heart, listening ears, empathy, love and care because that doesn't seem to be good enough nowadays. I have so much love to give and yet I don't have any for myself.

The reason why I'm still holding on is because... I have been dreaming, hoping and wishing (ever since I was very little) to be able to give something to the world to help others and help ease the pain, loneliness and suffering. To love and be loved, to be happy and make others happy. Because I truly know life is worth fighting for despite any bad thing. But I've been suffering so much - physically and mentally - and I don't have a reason to keep fighting anymore. I only have my dad, my step mom. My dad works 400 km away from home 4-5 days of the week, my step mom who is also my caretaker, she owns a small hotel and is taking care of it all on her own while still taking care of me. They work so much to be able to take care of and support me, but they are struggling so much and I feel so bad for not being able to help, for being nothing but a bother. It's heartbreaking. I know they are better off without me. Well, they and my dog would miss me a little, but they'd get over it one day.

I just can't bear the pain I feel in my mind, heart and body anymore. It has gotten unbearable. And yet, I'm afraid of dying. Because I like to believe in God and supposedly it's a sin to commit suicide. So I'm scared of being punished with hell or even reincarnation. I just want this to end. I always imagine of there being something like what we call "heaven". A place where we go to after this life on earth, where we can be with our loved ones - a place where there's no illness, sadness and pain.

Please tell me about your opinion/knowledge on this. What happens after death? Where do we go? What is our purpose? Especially... What’s the purpose on being here? Why is there so much suffering? Please take away my anxiety about dying.

Sending much love and light, Manuela