How do I stop being a dumb emotional 🚬?

No seriously, everyone I admire and who has their life together runs it unemotionally and cold and clinical. My lifetime attempts have just left me a kind of dissociated shell which caused as much problems as it solved. Until that maladaptive coping mechanism like so many others failed.

I hate that I have to deal with a vicious BPD monster occasionally, who will play passive aggressive just long enough to lull me into a sense of complacency and then at a moment when I am pushed to my limit and have somehow forgot that's when the dagger in the gut comes everytime. I'm Charlie Brown with the football just because I don't want to play the file court orders weekly game.

Dealing with this shit from childhood, all I ever learned was to run and avoid thinking of things. Now I have been running so long I forgot to ever build a life. Why would I want to build a life? So I could recreate the hell I came from?

I want to be Kaiser Soyze, if emotional manipulation is even attempted BOOM. I am sick of caring, sick of feeling. I want to walk into the bush and squat on a beach and live off mangos and fish that swim into the net I have to clear or seaweed every morning. But then I feel things.

I can take the systemized violence and abstracted social manipulations, ignore them.

I want no emotions, sick of it. Nothing but trouble. Probably will delete this. Sounds extremely British ciggy.