Being alone feels meaningless, but socializing makes me feel clueless
TL;DR: I hate always being alone during holidays, online socializing does not make me feel better. I do socialize irl with some close friends, but I'm awkward in a 1 on 1 settings even when the friend is really close, because the convo is always dry and boring. It's also due to my boring personality that drives ppl off. I know some of you will tell me to socialize with ppl of same interest, but most of my interests sounds cognitively tiring, which is not sth I want to talk about in a chill setting. I'm also viewed as shy and introverted but idk why. I want to achieve 3 goals: 1. I want to stop being alone, 2. to do well and enjoy socializing in a 2 ppl setting, and 3. to not present myself as "shy and introverted".
I'm 17m. Since the pandemic, staying indoors alone during holidays has been the norm for me. Sure, I enjoy the freedom of being alone, but it's getting more dreadful and meaningless the more I do. It feels as if I'm sleeping and dreaming for 24 hours, where you only interact with your inner monologue.
Few years ago, I tried socializing in internet by live streaming in YT with 10 or 20 viewers, but parasocial interactions are even more meaningless. You are staring in front of a screen for hours, talking to pixels and words, and you don't even know each other. It sounds more isolating and lonely to socialize online than staring in front of a wall. To add on this, Dr. K from healthygamergg once said the more you socialize in internet without doing irl ones, the more awkward you become irl.
Sure, then why not I interact with real ppl? The only good memories I think about is when I socialize with ppl irl, but there are two problems;
I only know how to socialize in a group where there are more than 2 ppl. I don't need contribute to 50% of the conversation. This means I only have to say sth when my intuition gets me to; If something interests me, I can actually be myself and yap a lot. However, I do not belong to friend groups. I only have a few close frds and a ton of acquaintances I lost contact with over the years.
I have no idea how to hang out with one person (1v1), even with close friends. The conversation almost always become dry, dry as both of us don't really enjoy it. My hobbies are dull, it's either grinding for academics and supercurriculars, politics and philosophy, or self-improvement. Some of my friends do like these topics, but these topics drive me to mental exhaustion. It's like when you already have to endure hours upon hours of classes, but you are still delving on hard topics, instead of letting your mind rest. I see myself more interested in conversations where they are talking about some ppl in school ik, but I don't want to be the guy who gossips about ppl.
I'm seen as "shy and introverted" probably because I'm awkward. I only have a little anxiety, but only when the conversation dies. Maybe it's because my droopy eyes making me look introverted. Maybe I'm introverted but I don't know. I do get a bit tired after few hours of social interactions tho, but I generally enjoy them.
English is not my 1st language, so I apologize if this essay sounds messy. I'm obviously not happy with the current situation of constant isolation and awkward socializing. So here are some goals I want to achieve: 1. I want to stop being alone, 2. to do well and enjoy socializing in a 2 ppl setting, and 3. to not present myself as "shy and introverted". I know that changes must be made, but I don't know where are the problems, what are the changes, nor how to implement it. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading