Flair up yap session

Currently been on the toilet for maybe an hour now, constant pain. It's not exactly diarrhea either so I can't take immodium. I have one of those stomach warmers with boiling water in it because warm water?? haha you're funny, that won't suit at all.

Sometimes I remember that one House MD episode where he was going through his vicodin withdrawal and he broke his hand to feel that pain instead. To be honest, I am so close to breaking to that point to not feel my ass pain. He was so real. Rather break his own bones than go through withdrawal pains. I'd rather do that too right now, to be honest. The only thing stopping me is self control.

I remember maybe a week ago, I had such a change of mind about my IBS. If I shit myself, it's fine, it's okay. If I go through a flair up, it's okay. If I'll go through pain, it's okay, I shouldn't be mad at my body for doing so, it's just something that has to happen now that I have IBS. Though, right now as I'm going through it, I really am trying to keep that mindset but oh dear. I've taken some drovaternine or however you spell it, 'nospa' and I can't tell if it's kicked in or not due to how fucked I feel right now.

Maybe I should starve myself like I used to when this all started, I know that's a bad idea but the ability to actually go outside without the fear of being in IBS pain. Heavenly, to be honest. I don't think I will, just thinking. I was really miserable when I did that.

I've been waiting for my gastroenterology appointment for maybe 7 months now. I'm gonna call them today and ask where I am and how far I am from being seen because oh my god, I feel like killing myself. Will I? Probably not but the thought is still there. I have an entire life to live still with university. And I want to continue talking with my friends but man. This shit sucks.

Honestly I think I'm writing this Reddit post to distract me. Music doesn't cut it anymore, not like it once used to. Remember that one news case where a person's skin got fused to their toilet seat cause they sat on it for so long, I'm feeling like that right now.

I'll end this rant here, and go drown in pain as I cry. Thank you for listening to my TED talk.