completely lost and absolutely finished

TW suicide

im 16 and i left islam when i was 13. Much has changed, from the way i view my family, to religion as a whole, to practically every single viewpoint i held in my life; the one thing I am steadfast and I have never reneged on, however, is my faith in not having any faith whatsoever in Islam specifically. That being said, I feel extraordinaily trapped and I cant help but feel doomed on every level. I want to go to a prestigous uni, acclaimed not only in my country but in the world, but chances of me getting in are very low; even if i did get in, I dont think my parents would let me leave. Nobody I know understands or particularly cares about me. I thought when my sister, the eldest out of my three siblings would grow up, that she would maybe be sympathetic, but shes going to quran classes every morning and has become a zealot to the point where she tries to wear (although for now this is thankfully denied) niqab at the age of 12. As for my parents? My mother regularly threatens to burn my books, destroy my playstation, etc if i dont read quran. On that note, I also have an unshaved beard since the age of thirteen, so whenever I look in the mirror im irrevocably faced with somebody who looks like an islamic zealot or a wife beater or something, and I just have these strong urges to rip out every hair from my face with my bare hands. People are visibly disgusted when they see me, and I dont blame them because I fucking would be too. My dad is a nice guy, but extremely adamnant in terms of religion; he doesnt press me as much but if i dared to tell him who i was I would be finished beyond belief; I dont know what hed do specifically, but isolation for days on end, beatings, all that seems likely, And in terms of friends? The very select few that do know have drifted from me to the point that where we were once best friends we are acquaintances, and the others would ostracise me if they knew. Nobody knows me.

I wrote this becaue, honestly, I feel like I am fucking done. EVEN if i managed to go to that prestigous uni, and live away for four years, id be kicking the can down the road, because I would have to move back in. The economy of my country is so fucked that its impossible for me to ever become financially independent in the near future, and my parents plan to marry me off at the age of 21 which compounds everything. The worst thing? I fucking live in a WESTERN country. By all acounts I should be free to do whatever the fuck I want, but realistically thats not the case. My parents give me so much and I do think they genuinely love me, but it makes no fucking difference when I dont really exist; just the version of myself that I have to pretend to be so I dont get disowned, beaten, or fucking whatever. I find it hard to reconcile whether Im a victim or an ungrateful brat, (no seriously, what kind of "abused" son gets a ps5, all the books he wants, etc.) and at this point I feel like the only thing I can say is that Im a minority of one, and that no matter what move I make, I lose. Ive seriously considered just killing myself and hoping that maybe in a future life ill end up as somebody who can just be themsevles and not have to fucking pretend everyday just for appearances; sometimes the thought of my siblings crying stops me, other times I just feel utterly apathetic. I think there might be something wrong with me, fundamnetally, really. Despite the privilige of my place of birth, im just destined to live out a long, spiteful and shallow existence that either ends in a loveless marriage or inside of a noose, and I just wanted to put that on the record, somewhere, so I can live with the comfort that at least somebody knows who I was, but to tell the truth, I feel nothing more than a pitiful waste of oxygen. There is no point in trying for me , anymore. This confession was worthless.