I'm kind of getting tired of people

Just venting a bit

I've been reflecting a lot at the end of this year about all my experiences, and honestly, I'm just so tired—even of my friends. I feel like an alien in this world. No matter how much I function well and hold good conversations, people always seem to notice there's something "off" about me. Some even treat me like a child, complete with a high-pitched voice when they talk to me.

This kind of thing, along with the sacrifices I make in my relationships, is exhausting me. I've realized that my happiest moments are when I'm alone. I try hard to listen to my friends' interests, but I've never seen them do the same for me. And even though there are people who love me, the mental exhaustion is overwhelming. Unfortunately, because I'm not perfect, I end up hurting people as they notice me pulling away.

You know, I've always felt threatened by the mere presence of another human being. I constantly have to adapt, and I feel like I'm never truly myself. I don't think I'm capable of genuinely loving anyone because everything feels like an effort. It's as if I'm only seeking interaction to fulfill a basic need, not because I feel a real connection.

There’s only one person I deeply care about—my cousin. If he disappeared, it would devastate me. He genuinely tries to understand me, knows who I am without judgment, and that makes our bond the most real friendship I’ve ever had.

Romantically, I can’t seem to get involved either, even though I want to. I feel like I lack the ability to connect on that level. People might say, “Make new friends,” but I wonder if I even have the right to do that. It feels like such an enormous effort, and it brings so many bad feelings.

Do any of you relate to these emotions? I sometimes wonder what will become of me in the future.