Embarrassed my partner by being myself

He invited me to a work party with 150 coworkers I haven't met. No pressure, right?

I run a small business that does deliveries on Fridays. I told him if he wanted me there, I needed help the night before getting my deliveries prepped. He came and we both stayed up until 1 am with a 5:30 wakeup time to get the work done.

I worked and worked and worked to get those deliveries done early. But adhd happened and I forgot to record an order the night before, and had to race home to fill and bag it and ended up being really late getting home to get ready.

I offered to meet him there and he immediately agreed which triggered my RSD real HARD. He told me a few times if I couldn't make it not to worry... which made me wonder if he only invited me out of obligation. I wished we could go together but I didn't want to embarrass him by making him late. I asked if he would please meet me outside bc I was super nervous about going inside alone. He said he would.

I fell on the ice doing my last order bc I was running to the car. I messed up my back and was moving even slower. I rushed home and got ready as fast as possible and I looked really, really good. Stockings and sweater dress. Makeup. Hair. Purse. Boots. I pulled it off and drove there as fast as I could.

I had to circle to find a spot but I got one right out front. A homeless woman asked me for cash and I truly didn't have any. She said it looked like my car might have some inside, and I had to lock it quick even though I didn't know where my keys were. I was so flustered as I got to the bar entrance and immediately saw a gorgeous woman sitting in the front window and I started to fret if I was dressed well enough. I texted that I was outside. I watched the table in dismay as my partner got up to meet me, and I realized the gorgeous woman was sitting with and talking to HIM. Fuck. I swallow my fear and jealousy as hard as I can.

I tried to explain about the homeless woman and my fall and apologized as I was coming in and noticed right away that he didn't kiss me or hug me... just ushered me in and my RSD went crazy bad. I wanted to put my expensive (vintage fur) coat up but every hook was full. People started bumping into me and I was panicking hard. I went to the bathroom to reset but it was just as chaotic in there with people knocking on the stall door and knocking into me at the sink. I was relieved when he offered me a drink but I couldn't hold it with my cane (from fall) and my purse and coat that I couldn't put down. I started to get more embarrassed. Also I don't drink alcohol so there is no social lubricant for me.

More people werw bumping into me. He knows every single person and I don't know anyone but him. He asks where I want to sit and I ask if he has a table? He says he does, where he was just waiting for me with, "Kat".

The whole room starts spinning. Kat is the name of a woman we have argued about before. Not because she's pretty. I just learned that tonight. We argued last January because he shared very private letters with her that I had emailed him. He was asking her advice "for our relationship", and then used it against me in an argument. "Kat" agrees that you're being hot and cold. "Kat" says that you should sense my sincerity in my response. "Kat" had a lot to say about our relationship for a woman I had never even met.

I came very close to ending our relationship forever back then, and judging how I feel about myself now, I wish I had. Knowing another woman had seen my most private and heartfelt thoughts was a point of great shame and angst for me. I had thought she was a woman in her 60s with a therapy dog he often talked about. Turns out there are two coworkers naned, "Kat" and the smoking hot redhead with the green dress is the one who already knows all my secrets and she was there waiting for me to arrive with him. And I was LATE!!!!!

I couldn't deal. This was all way, way too much. I panicked. I don't even remember exactly what he said or what I said. I know he agreed I should leave if I was uncomfortable and offered to "walk me out". I didn't want to be walked out. I wanted love and reassurance. I wanted to feel safe. And pretty. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted him to leave with me or at least offer to leave with me! Not escort me away and return to the party because I can't handle my shit!!! And I couldn't make a decision. I just muttered something out of hurt and anger about staying and enjoying his time with KAT and I tried to leave.

I made it 4 or 5 steps before pulling off to the side and trying to sort myself out. I turned back to him, but he was already gone back to the party. I pushed to the bar but couldn't get through. I was terrified and overwhelmed as people pushed me back and forth and I had to scream excuse me as loud as I could to get toward the door.

Kat was watching me this whole time and I knew it. She pushed right by me as I was fighting to get to the door open. I pushed and pushed and pushed but it wouldn't budge. Then I saw it had a handle. So I pulled and pulled and pulled and it wouldn't budge. The fucking door needed me to turn the hand and THEN push but by the time I finally got it open 3 women in spaghetti strap gowns and reindeer antlers yanked it out of my hand and barelled right into me with a wagon of something festive they were towing behind them.

I ran into the night air to find the same homeless woman. She asked if I had cash now and I ran past her and tried to open my driver door while she was hollering from the sidewalk. I fumbled so hard finding my keys... and then the mechanical fob wouldn't work and I had to use the key to manually unlock the door.

I got inside and locked the doors while she was pounding on the windows calling me names like stuck up bitch. I had a panic attack and struggled to breathe while calling my therapist and praying she would answer. Thank God she did. I just sobbed for 15 minutes straight.

It took a half hour for her to calm me down while I was shivering and crying outside the bar in my locked car. I couldn't find my keys again to turn the car on. Is there anything more adhd and infuriating than losing your keys multiple times during the same upset episode??? I couldn't find them ANYWHERE.

It turns out, I dropped them as I was frantically getting inside the car and they were outside in the snow. I did eventually find them.

During all that time, my partner never stuck his head out to see if I was alive or dead. He didn't text to see if I made it home safely- given the unsafe roads and my highly agitated state. He stayed at the party for several more hours while I was spiraling hard with shame and guilt and rejection.

He eventually admitted later on, that I had embarrassed him and he wished I hadn't come at all. I worked really, really hard for two days to show up for him during a really stressful time, and all I got was shit. And Kat got to hang our with my partner and hear about how I was too overwhelmed by the situation to stay. Because of course she found him and asked where I went...

I hate this feeling and I can't sit with it anymore.