You are my nightmare

I keep going back at that last message you sent me. I really can't stop thinking about it. You cut me off your life as if I never meant anything to you. It was so cold, so heartless, I almost don't believe that was you. No, I refuse to believe that was you, that couldn't ever be you. Back in January and February, you seemed happy to be talking to me, what happened, what made you so darn cold. And the fact you refused to meet up in person makes me believe that that choice was influenced by other things, not your honest self, but I also hope I'm wrong. You made it seem so easy to do that, cutting me off, and if anything I hope it was as easy as you made it seem as I really don't want you to be sad because of me. Was it always that easy for you to cut me off your life? Did you always know that spring wouldn't bloom for us?I really don't know anymore.

It's been two weeks pretending myself out here, but these last two days have been very harsh, very. I'm scared. I really need to talk to someone, but noone out here makes me feel safe enough to open up. I really want to talk to you, I'd give anything for that, but no matter how much I give, I can't, you said I mustn't do that.

"I am not you friend". Oh, how that line keeps appearing in my nightmares. Isn't it ironic the way that the people you love the most are always a part of your nightmares. You keep appearing and reappearing in my dreams, the image of you never gets any fadier, I see it as clear as these last days. I wake up every morning with an emptiness in my chest, it's just like back in December. That hug you gave me back then, before you left, filled that void up, it heated my soul up, gave me a surge of hope and motivation to be happy once again. But all is lost now.

I keep thinking "What if?", what if she never came back. Would we have been happy together right now? Would we have been planning our future together? I'm sure we would. What if I didn't tell you what had happened back then? Would we be together again right now? Would you have given me a second chance? I don't know.

It's also very hypocritical of me writing these letters as if you are ever going to read them, whats more stupid is me saving these letters still thinking that maybe someday you will get these. Why do I even check my socials thinking you might have texted? How dumb love makes someone.

I hope you know I am here for you if you need someone to talk to, although I hope you never do need me, because if you did, it must be very bad the situation you are in to be needing to talk to a person you don't want anything to do with. In the same time I really want you to text me, as I can't go against you word another time.

Love you...