My rapist got a not guilty verdict today.

I have spent three and a half years in hell from this rape. He was being tried for 5 counts (2 rape, 2 assault by penetration and one sexual assault). The time since my rape was a living hell. I developed PTSD induced psychosis two years on and spent most of last year in the psych ward believing he was trying to shoot me and rape me again.

I had a LOT of evidence. A forensic exam, bruising photos, a witness, all our messages saved, psych reports, medical reports from after. Barely any of the evidence was used in court.

Cross examination was a few days ago and months if not years of pent up anger and devastation came out when I testified. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Afterwards everyone (police, family, staff etc) told me how incredible my cross examination was. Everyone said they were confident he’d be prosecuted.

I don’t know how or why, but with major information about my ptsd being removed the defence played the “crazy” card. I mean my fucking witness testified and no one batted an eye. There’s literal text evidence of sexual assault.

Today I find out the jury couldn’t reach a majority so I imagine to get it out the way the remaining members agreed to give a majority.

He was cleared of all five charges and I wasn’t granted a restraining order. This man served time last year for breaching a restraining order against his ex / dv history.

He know where I live and I’m in a wheelchair. Frankly I refuse to kms because he doesn’t deserve the gratification but my god does this make me want to die.

Three and a half years of hell. He took my life, my sanity, my hope, my job. All of it.

I know so many of us have gone through this. How the fuck did you survive this?

Why is our justice system so biased to rapists?

By the time these men are stopped they’ve usually killed someone and it could’ve been prevented many steps ago.

I’m just at a loss. I want to hide away forever. I want him to feel how he’s made me feel.