idk what to do anymore (vent)

throwaway account

every time i make a group of friends i end up fucking up and making everyone hate me i know i'm the common denominator. i keep trying to improve myself and change but it seems like it's never enough. and whenever i do fuck up, i take accountability and apologize, i make sure it never happens again, but then i fuck up in another way. and because i keep messing up, it's no longer a one time thing, and not enough time passes for me to prove i've improved in one area before i fuck up in another. so it all builds up and they all end up angry and hating me.

i don't do it on purpose. but it seems like everyone believes that i do. and i can't even defend myself or try to explain or else it comes off as guilt tripping or something no matter how i phrase it

and i know part of this is because i'm autistic. i don't get social cues. i can't read the room.

but even with other autistic ppl, it's the same. i feel alienated, like i'm TOO autistic even for other autists. it feels like everyone's looking at me like "well if this autistic person can act like a normal human being, why the hell can't you?"

for example, a bit ago with one group i cracked a joke to lighten the atmosphere when it absolutely was not the time to. i read the situation wrong. i was called out, and i apologized.

i learned to not joke around all the time, to wait longer to gauge the proper response.

then the next fuck up in a different situation happens

for context, this group of people are artists and like creating characters. i just finished mine and wanted to have fun with everyone so i thought i'd start a conversation by saying what i think everyone's characters would be like in my story.

i got "i didn't ask for this" as a response. i apologized- i didn't think i'd have to ask permission for something like that. i thought it'd be a fun surprise. i got told "so you're just gonna assume?"

yeah i assumed because i thought talking about characters in different situations is something completely neutral and fun to do? i don't understand. and i'm so confused because everyone's acting like this is something everyone and their mother is aware of. but i can't ask anything or i'll be accused of playing dumb or weaponized incompetence or something

and it's not just those two events, there's been other little fuck-ups.

i can tell it's building up because they're all steadily growing more malicious towards me.

idk what to do. i want everyone to have a good time. but no matter what i do to change myself, to change my approach, to change how i socialize, no matter what i do there's always SOMETHING i fuck up later. and no one ever seems to fuck up in the same ways i do.

maybe it's because i don't seem to learn? i struggle with misreading situations, but it's not exactly something i can learn my way out of completely. so maybe they're thinking i'm refusing to learn.

but i'm trying, i really am. but no matter what group i try to befriend, no matter how many different groups i go into, the same thing happens.

i'm never going to have any sort of community. maybe i'm just stupid. i don't know. i just know that i piss off and annoy everyone eventually, no matter what i change.