Damned if I do, damned if I don't

Another novella.

Some of you have followed my story about leaving SMR's world. It's been at least a couple weeks now. Why am I not over it? Sure I was with him for 25 years, but c'mon. Pathetic .Anyway... I'm just the tiniest bit tortured:

Vajrayana I thought I loved the Vajrayana. It's the only spiritual technology that works for me: merging what I know about quantum physics with my quasi-analog experience of reality and some profound experiences I have had--something I've always wanted to realize/cultivate. I think Dzogchen, in particular, is da bomb. And now I do NOT want to practice. Or meditate. Guilt! Fear! What if I'm destroying my spiritual whatever? What if I'm damned? Was I pretending all this time?

Stories All the stories and etc. about bad behavior by all the members of the lineage: A lot of the stories here were eye-opening and motivated me to finally leave. But what if they're made up? Or exaggerated? What if I'm poisoning my mind with negativity? Do I trust the people here? (Obviously, 90% of me does or I wouldn't be writing this! Respect!)

"Work with it" This is important. I think this is a BIG reason people stayed with SMR.

I've always been told to work with bad behavior by the teacher. Every time there's a scandal this gets hammered in HARD. Like, there's some teaching in it that I will "get" if I work with it: contemplate, study, meditate. Somebody in Halifax once told me that Trungpa must have had a Vajrayana reason for torturing the cat that we just don't see. ! That "work with the guru's negative behavior" is also in some of the traditional commentaries, and Dzongsar says the same thing. (I used to like him before I read his comments on sex with teachers.) So by that logic, I am violating samaya by leaving. But I can't see how the abuses are teachings. That means I'm failing to trust the guru. That is death.

Dorje Kasung You've read my post about being in the Dorje Kasung. It was the only place in Shambhala where I fit in, here I was welcomed and appreciated. I loved taking care of people, knowing where all the fire extinguishers and evacuation routes were, I loved drill. I had never camped and MPE was my favorite place to be. I swear, I never saw anything bad. (I wasn't Kusung.) Now I feel like maybe I was part of something evil, corrupt...is that true? And how come I didn't see that?

Death in Tupperware I have always practiced, and lately especially, to prepare for death. The Sakyong's world is very focused on a long-life practice now, which in a funny way is also about death. His world feels like a tightly sealed container where only practice and grandchildren matter. We can't help the outside world now-- it will have to wait until I'm enlightened.

I'm abandoning the only place I've belonged. I'm condemning myself to spiritual hell. I'm a failure. Have I wasted the last 25 years?