Dark Daydreams

Usually my daydreams revolve around me hanging out with these friends I’ve built up in my mind. Sometimes I’ll alter my reality and dream up alternative scenarios that happened that day, but include made up friends.

Lately I’ve been dreaming about my own death. Right now, it’s me offing myself in the parking lot of my job. I try to imagine the aftermath, like my boss and coworkers finding out. I feel self-centered when I try to imagine them feeling bad, so it kills the fantasy for me and I just start the scenario over.

I was also in a scenario where I got defensive over why I don’t talk and come across as unfriendly to my coworkers. I started talking about my childhood and brought up how cold my mother was towards me. I felt the urge to cry suddenly, but I held it back and killed that daydream. I don’t know exactly where it came from. I have a hard time believing myself because it seems like I’m always blamed for being who I am and maybe I deserve it because I’m ungrateful and selfish. At the same time, maybe my mother wasn’t the best towards me and this is why I am the way I am.