I'm so ungodly unbearably suicidal TW

What the fuck..this is the worst period I have ever had. I'd literally be in the ER if I wasn't more scared of my parents verbally abusing me. I did not take pepcid ac today. I was worried because some users were saying if you take too much or have ssris..its bad for you. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm so upset that now I'm sitting on the toliet shitting for my god damn life because I was so upset that I got my stomach all riled up and now its like..shit my pants or shit on the toliet im so miserable y'all..I don't know why I'm so fucking suicidal this month..and manic..manic and suicidal..not fun combo..I'm also having extreme night terrors again..I have to find gloves bc I was suggested that when I talked about how in my nightmares i scratch myself so deep it scars and I get a shit ton of bruises..idk..idk what to do..I'm so upset