Contamination

I've struggled with contamination ocd since Covid, but it got really bad in 2022. Fast forward, I am now 7 months postpartum with my first and my contamination ocd is high. High like my hands look like im wearing red gloves from all the hand washing. I've been in therapy since July, and I see myself making progress in my own home. The victories are small and I often have to tell my family about them (my husband and I live with my parents) but I try to have one small victory a day. It is a slow process and I know my family feels as though it's not going fast enough. But the victories I do make, are within my home right now. So whenever we go to my in laws, I struggle a bit more.

The issue is they do not know I have contamination ocd because they wouldn't be the nicest about it. I don't have the best relationship with them. Though my contamination ocd started in 2022, I've always been more on the anxious side and they love to bring to light "how nervous my husbands wife is". And not in a sweet way.

Whenever we go there I'm extremely protective of my son. No one is allowed to hold him (except my husband of course). And no toys can be given to him. He can't sit on the furniture because they let the dog roam everywhere. He can't eat there because they won't prepare things the way I want them done. I make sure he is fed before we go and he is breastfeeding anyways so if he is hungry its very easy to feed him more. Can I ask them to wash their hands? Sure. Except with my contamination ocd, there's a method to my hand washing. Simply sprinking your hands with water then using the kitchen rag to dry your hands, won't cut it for me. Except I can't tell them my steps. Because they would either roll their eyes or get to know the extent of which I struggle and make me feel bad like they have for the last 10 years about my anxiety.

Like I said, I'm making progress in my own home. The more mobile my son gets, the more progress I make as well. But going to the in laws always makes me feel like I'm taking steps back.

It's discouraging and makes me feel like I'm completely abnormal. Which i guess, i am

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I guess just a feeling like I'm not an alien of some sort.

I am progressing, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who sees it.

I ate a cucumber the other day (crazy right) and I told my dad and he looked at me with genuine stunned eyes and said wow, that must have been hard. Good job B. And I cried.

My husband wishes I could be open with his family with our son and I just can't. Maybe I'm an asshole for it. I KNOW one day I'll get there, but until then it's an extremely isolating place to be. To constantly have to dodge their requests and get weird looks when I'm 7 months postpartum and they've only held him once.