I have an urge to kill myself rn

Idk why. It just came over me. I guess I’m uh posting about here instead. But fuck man do I feel like I fucking deserve to die rn. I feel like I’m an absolute fucking piece of shit and I won’t ever get this healing shit figured out. Like idfk dude. I was like trying to get through to my feelings and just let myself feel and sit in all of my shit until I got triggered and then everything went chaotic and now I’m just fucking standing here in the middle of the city in the middle of the night and I really wanna fucking die. Except I don’t wanna die. I mean idfk. Not really. But kinda do. I mean I don’t fucking know man. Why the fuck is it so hard to be authentic??? Is it really that fucking hard to just go up to these people and tell them “Hey, I thought x was the case so it was confusing and you can’t expect anyone to not be confused about it” but nooo instead I have to fucking hide myself away and whatever the fuck and just not say the fucking shit I wanna say. LIKE WTF IS MY ACTUAL FUCKING PROBLEM. OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE MYSELF 😡😡😡 WHY THE FUCK CAN I REALLY NOT JUST BE FUCKING AUTHENTIC BUT INSTEAD I PLAY THIS DUMBASS PATHETIC FUCKING HIDE AND SEEK GAME HOPING THAT THE OTHER FUCKING PERSON JUST GETS AND FIGURES OUT WHAT I WANNA SAY INSTEAD OF JUST ACTUALLY FUCKING SAYING IT???? Like what the FUCK is actually wrong with me idfk man ughhh

I am so fucking frustrated with myself and disappointed in myself

Fuck this shit fuck this shit fuck this dumbass fucking healing bullshit

I have this voice in the back of my head telling me “you will never fucking succeed. Good fucking job screwing it all up again. You seriously believe you can get better?? Haha fuck you you are an absolute fucking piece of crap and you deserve to die because you are so fucking STUPID like just go kill yourself already” and omfg I think this might be the voice of a kid who bullied me or whatever the fuck, idfk man

Anyway I FEEL FUCKING OVERWHELMED AS SHIT BY ALL THESE DUMBASS FUCKING FEELINGS THAT I CANT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE OF

LIKE SIT IN YOUR FEELINGS MY ASS YOU FUCKING BITCH 🤬

Pain here pain there pain everywhere I DONT CARE I LITERALLY DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT NOW FUCKING EXCUSE ME while I’ll go get high and self-abandon even further because that’s what I am so fucking good at apparently 🤬🤬🤬🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻