My [19M] boyfriend would rather spend time with his friends than me [17F], and when we do spend time together, he seems drained, tired, and annoyed.

I [17F] have been with my boyfriend [19M] for almost a year now. Our one-year anniversary is on November 8th. His birthday is on November 11th, he's turning 20 and I have made him a special gift box filled with paintings, artworks of him, new clothes for him sprayed with my perfume, stuffed animals, and 20 letters and poems to represent each birthday I have missed. I LOVE this man, okay?

We used to have a great time together, and it felt like we were both happy when spending time with each other. We have a long-distance relationship. I am in Brisbane, Australia, and he is in Arizona. He used to stay up until 6 a.m his time just to be with me, spend time with me, and even read me a bedtime story, but recently, things have changed. His new sleep schedule has him going to bed at 4 p.m. my time, which is 11 p.m. for him. I understand that he is busy. He works early and has a strict routine where he goes to work, comes home, goes for a walk, showers, and then sleeps. But I cannot shake the feeling that he is prioritising his friends and that I am no longer a priority.

I say this because recently, he’s been spending more time with them than with me, and I’ve had to constantly ask for quality time together. And when I do get the chance to spend time with him, he sounds so irritated, and I don’t know why. He says I’ve been suffocating him, but all I do is love him to the fullest, and I let him live his life. We are 2 separate human beings with 2 separate lives, and I realise that too. Having individual time is important, and I’ve been giving him that, but it seems like he loves his friends more than me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. He has an avoidant attachment style, but it’s never been like this. He used to love me deeply, be there to reassure me, and spend all his time with me. He used to send me long messages about how much he loves me and how excited he was for our future together. But now, whenever I ask what he wants with me or if he sees a future with me, he says, "I don’t know" or "I’m not confident enough to make a serious decision like that."

It’s true that he’s let himself go a little bit and gained a couple of kilos, but I don’t care about that. He says he wants to look better and prioritise himself so he can be more confident and present in my life, but why does he need to distance himself to do that? Why can’t I be there to support him? I’ve never encouraged any bad habits. I’m a very active person, just like him, and I would never set him back. I always ask, “Have you worked out today?” “How was your workout?” “Did you get your cardio in?” “Did you eat today?” because I care. I’ve been caring.

He’s perfect in my eyes, and I don’t care about appearance. I always reassure him of this, but he genuinely wants to look physically better, and I support him. I always support him.

He used to be so sweet, soft, and gentle whenever he spoke to me. He would say things like, “Yes, sweetheart?” “What is it, sweetie?” “Baby, I’m here for you. You’re safe now. Talk to me, honey.” But now, whenever I call out his name, he just responds with, “What?” or “What is it?” or “What do you want?" I used to love calling his name because he would always respond so lovingly, switching it up from “Yes, baby?” to “Sweetie?” or “What is it, hun?” and he never got tired of it. It was adorable. But now, it sounds like he doesn’t even want to talk to me. His tone is so cold, and I feel like I don’t recognise him anymore. It feels like I’m talking to someone completely different. I know people change, but I don’t understand why he has to treat me so differently.

Every time he hops off the call with his friends and talk to me (I usually only have 5 minutes, 10 if I'm lucky) he would sound entirely different. He sounds so done with me. I just want to be loved like it's a habit and not a chore. Recently it's felt like him talking to me is just a chore he needs to check off from his long list of things to just get done with. His whole demeanour changes and it breaks my heart because I just want to make him happy too. He would stay up to talk to his friends but he can't even spend a full hour with me.

Here’s where things started to go downhill. One to two months ago, he suggested taking a break because he felt like he couldn’t balance his busy life with a serious relationship. I told him that was ridiculous because I don’t believe in breaks. Why can’t we grow alongside each other? We tried a break once before, and it didn’t even last 24 hours, we were both miserable. We promised not to do anything like that again.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to go to the hospital. I texted him to tell him I was injured and on my way there. I purposely didn’t message him again to see if he’d care, but when I got back, all I saw was his last message saying, “Why?” and “Okay, I hope everything’s okay.” It broke my heart. He didn’t bother reaching out to check if I was okay. I could’ve been dying for all he knew. I sent him a long message about how that wasn’t okay, how everything on my end wasn’t okay, and how sad I was that he didn’t care.

I had a gut feeling that he’d take advantage of the one day I was offline to work on himself, and I was right. He said that he found peace in my absence and took my hospital trip as a positive thing. He made plans with his friend and is going to stay at his house for a week, from the 20th to the 27th of this month.

I told him that I haven’t felt as loved lately because he stopped doing the things that used to make me feel loved. I communicated this to him, and as usual, he said, “I don’t know what to say right now, hun. I’m sorry.” Later, after work, he texted me, “Hey hun, we need to have a serious talk about our relationship,” which made my stomach sink. I asked him, “What? Why?” and he said he wasn’t sure if we should continue the relationship if this is the direction it’s heading.

I don’t understand.

A couple of months ago, I opened up to him about something personal, and he said he was going to change. And he did, for three days. Then, he went back to his old, cold self. He does not even try to put in the effort anymore. I feel like I am wrapped around his finger, and he knows I cannot leave because I have never felt this way with anyone before. He has spoiled me with beautiful artwork of us, poems, letters, clothes, plushies, bags, accessories, and more. He is genuinely a great guy, so I don't know what led to this. I give him what he wants, I give him space, I support everything he does, and I am always there for him if he needs me. Is this what I get for loving too much? Am I in the wrong? Is it true that men lose feelings when a woman loves them too much? Is being loved that suffocating?

We recently communicated and kind of found a solution because he says this is just a phase. But it still hurts. I asked him if he was miserable talking to me, and he said, “I am just not in the mood to talk to you recently. I have just been wanting to talk to and spend time with my friends. They are the ones who have been on my mind.” Is that normal? Is it normal for your partner to prioritise his friends and lifestyle over you?

I don't get it. He was never like this. It's like he's just a shadow of the person he used to be, and it breaks my heart because I do not want to leave him. I know he is hurting me, but at the end of the day, hearing him say he loves me is enough to make me stay and keep fighting. But I feel like this is a one-man battle. We have faced way too many storms to be bothered by these little raindrops, but they still hurt.

I can't even count on him for reassurance because he keeps telling me he doesn't know what to say every single time i ask him for it. He can't even say the simple stuff like "It's okay baby, I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere." When he literally used to email me long paragraphs of how sorry he is whenever he made a mistake, or long paragraphs about how beautiful I am and how I have nothing to worry about. I feel like I've been really settling lately.

He told me he wants me to chill a bit because he feels more comfortable with me now, which seems like an excuse for his lack of effort in our relationship. He says he does not have to try as hard because we already have each other. He mentioned feeling less pressured to send those “Hey, I know you’re asleep, but...” paragraphs or lovely good morning messages. He doesn't even properly apologise anymore. Is that supposed to be normal? I know the 'honeymoon phase' is real, and we are not in that phase anymore, but every day used to feel like a honeymoon for us. Now it feels so one-sided. I am scared to let go because I do not want to learn someone else’s favourite colour. I love his. And I love him. Please help me.