Daily Prophet Exclusive!

HARRY POTTER KIDNAPPED! DEMANDS MADE!

The people of Magical Britain awoke one morning to horrifying news that their savior, the Boy-Who-Lived had been kidnapped by parties unknown.

'Our demands are simple. We, the Disciples of Light, demand that Albus Dumbledore step down from at two of the three vital positions within our society. He needs to make a choice as by holding three full-time demanding jobs; he's clearly not capable of successfully doing one.

Second, Albus Dumbledore must shave that ridiculous beard off his face. You are NOT Merlin, stop trying to look like him.

Third, Albus Dumbledore must get rid of those sartorial nightmares he laughingly calls robes. You cannot properly represent our society if you look like an escaped mental patient.

Failure to meet our demands, Harry Potter's fate is uncertain.'

Xxx

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location...

Harry glanced up from his reading of the Daily Prophet as Sirius puttered around the kitchen while Remus was quietly discussing some obscure reference of arcane magic with Hermione and Luna. "Anyone think that Dumble-dingwad will actually follow the demands?"

Sirius barked out a laugh from the stove, "Unlikely, but it'll be hilarious if he does. I wonder what he even looks like under all that hair."