I'm worried to be happy

I feel like as I'm growing older and matured to be more aware of myself and surroundings, I've slowly lost the urge to be truly joyful about most things. Rather it be joke said by one of your friends or family members, having fun in an amusement park or other entertainment and even when I open gifts over the things I really wanted. It's like placidness and apathetic nature is maturing along with me, just losing the times where a smile would be on my face when I did something new or explored a place that amazed me.

But an urge in my mind is constantly telling me to not try to bring that excitement back, as I'll just lose it again and figure out as to why, doesn't seem worth to me knowing that it wouldn't last long rather it be a bad day, trauma, bashing down one's own being, dysfunction or maybe from a tragedy. Really anything could bring that away, because it doesn't last long. Happiness to me is like a trial you buy with your heart you'll do anything with it until it has to be bought again until you can't afford it, there's your enthusiasm.