I ruined my life..

I fked up my life. I got married to escape my narcissistic mom and sister, and also my addict father. But I didnt know how bad it would be for me to move to a country with a language barrier.

Because of my mother's abuse, I developed severe brain fog, depression and anxiety, and after coming to a place where nobody speaks English, I fell deeper into the hole. I'm stuck in the same home for 6 years, I'm unable to study the language so nobody is hiring me for work. Its worst that my husband and I live in a small town, far from any captals. And his work/family is here so he is unable to move us.

Therapy isnt helping as much as I want it to. I'm always so tired and so burnt out.

AI also stole my job of copywriting. So I cant find anything online either. And even if I did, I'm so burnt out. I'm stuck, lost, and my husband doesnt earn enough to support my needs (I dont pressure him), so for 6 years I've just been forced to live with only necessities and no identity of my own. I buy maybe 2 new shirts, 2 pair of socks and 1 pants once a year.

To make it worse, my husband promised me of an active lifestyle of weekly walks in the park, hanging out everyday at least an hour doing something at home, but now he's always glued to his pc. He is attentive but not as much as I'd like. I'm tired. I dont want to depend on him either, I want to depend on myself but I dont have the money or a job to give myself in identity or leisures. Im so tired.

I recently got a small 2 times a week job at a cafe. But my luck, right? The owner turned out to be exploitive and tried to make me work more hours than I can and tried to make me sign a dummy contract. But still, the government's law couldve protected me and I couldve still done 2 days a week, I couldve just beared with the toxicity and just gotten some money for myself to have some good times.

But no, I had to just reject the work and ruin that only chance for me to have financial freedom and an identity.

I'm so exhausted. I hate myself. I hate myself. I ruined my only chance. Why didnt I REMEMBER that for 6 years, nobody is hiring me and I had this one place that did and I FUCKED IT UP. Why couldnt have I just beared with it? Why did I, a person with no degree, no experience except for copywriting, decide I am a privileged person and rejected a 2 days a week work? I was stupid. I ruined it. I hate myself. NOW IM STUCK AT HOME AGAIN I HATE IT SO MUCH I HATE BEING ALONE. I HATE BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO CANT DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.

My body is healthy but I feel so so paralyzed. I dont even have enough money to make mh life comfy. I hate myself. I really needed that. And i threw it away.