I had a breakdown lastnight.

It's my 1st drop year after completing my graduation meant solely to prepare for CAT and do really well. I did appear last year with minimum prep and thus didn't get good enough scores. I had mostly wasted my last 3 years of college. I know i could have done so much more, like CA or CFA or at least some internships or any other thing (I have a commerce bg). But I didn't, I simply wasted my time. Now I see all my friends and everyone around me doing well, and I really want to join them too. I had high hopes for this year's CAT and really wanted to put in the work and get good scores, and everything after that would fall in place.

But for the past 5-6 months that I've been preparing for CAT i struggled more with myself than with the prep. I had become a lazy person who would easily get distracted with anything and would end up not studying as much. I tried really hard to improve as an individual - waking up early, being disciplined, eating healthy, removing all the distractions around me, uninstalling all socials, reducing screentime and some other things. I did it all only so that I would study well, to focus and thus improve. But sadly I ended up not studying as much as I intended to. I have changed from what I used to be but not as much, i still have the same problems with myself that were before, it's just that it's not as bad anymore. Everyday is a struggle with myself. I have understood that , this is a long process and will take time but eventually I will make as long as I don't give up on it. If I stop anytime it's only going to be delayed more and more. Theres so much more than what I can explain here with all the ups and downs I've had.

With just 5 days to CAT, my prep is not what I wanted it to be, I'm so scared, my mock scores have somehow gone down from what they used to be (from 40-45 to around 25) and at this point I'm just freaking out. I tried giving 2023 Slot 1 last night, but could not solve 1 dilr set and gave up mid way during quants. I had a mental breakdown after that - what if I score worse than last year, what if I disappoint everyone, everyone will look down on me, i can't waste more time, i wasted my parents efforts and all sorts of negative thoughts. I cried for 2 hrs, talked to a friend but that didn't help, called up my parents and vented it all out, they calmed me down, tried to motivate me and said it's not the end of the world. I felt better after talking to them and then slept.

Today, I woke up a little late, and I'm back on with the same struggles. I will be better today and give it my all for the next few days and prepare well. I hope everything goes well.