AITA For canceling on our family cruise?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra-vacay
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA For canceling on our family cruise?
Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: drug use, favoritism, mentions of depression, emotional abuse and manipulation
Original Post: November 28, 2024
So, my parents wanted to do a cruise for the holidays. They invited me (25f), my boyfriend (27M), my brother (28M), and his girlfriend (26F).
My brother (let’s call him “James”) has always been the golden child. Some backstory:
Back in high school, when James was discovered to be selling pills, he was just “going through a phase”. Meanwhile, when I got caught smoking weed, my parents threatened to kick me out.
James lost his scholarship and dropped out of college 3 different times, but he’s still perfect! I graduated a semester late and I didn’t try hard enough.
James still lives in the state where he attending college, and I live in my home state near my parents. He doesn’t work, he’s not currently in school. My parents buy him flights all the time to come visit, but don’t buy me a flight to go see him or go anywhere else.
My parents send him money for rent and life necessities. He bought a $2,000 dog recently with that money.
When I got my first big job at age 22, my parents immediately kicked me off their insurance since I had the option of benefits. James was on their insurance until he turned 26.
Last year, I got laid off and moved back in with my parents to save money. When I got my new job, my parents told me I needed to pay $10,000 in “back rent” which was never discussed previously. (I did finish paying it off and recently moved in with my boyfriend!)
This has been a pattern my WHOLE life. James gets everything handed to him and I have to work my ass off. So, now to the cruise.
My parents said they wanted to do this, and bought tickets for themselves, James, and his girlfriend. They told me to get my own ticket since I have a well-paying job. I was super upset, and told them it wasn’t fair that I was the only one who had to buy their own ticket. (My boyfriend couldn’t come due to holiday plans with his own family).
My parents said I was acting spoiled and that “green wasn’t a good look on me”. I am so tired of hearing that phrase at this point. They said it’s not like I had to get a nice room since we’d be outside it the majority of the time anyway—which is true, but then why get James a nice room?
I decided I had enough and I wasn’t going. But here’s where I may be the asshole. I let them continue thinking I was for months. Then, on the night before they left they said to get to their house by 8 am so we could start the drive to the port.
At 8:30 that day, they start messaging me asking where I am. I texted them “since you didn’t want to put the effort in to have me join you, I will be attending my boyfriend’s Thanksgiving instead. Have a nice trip with your favorite child.” Then I muted the chat.
I talked to some friends about this, and some said it was petty of me to cancel with no warning, and others said I should’ve sucked it up and gone since I would’ve had fun when I got there.
They’ve been on the cruise for a couple days now, and I’m starting to regret how I handled things. Yeah, I probably would’ve had fun, and it’s not like I couldn’t afford the ticket. I also could’ve handled the delivery better. But at the same time, I’m so sick of them treating me like this.
So, AITA for cancelling on our family vacation?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Wait, did I read it correctly that they charged you $10k back rent, which had NEVER been discussed prior, and you PAID it?! NTA, but I would have gone low contact with them and definitely not even contemplated going on a trip with them. Save that for people that enjoy you OP.
Commenter 2: That’s when OP should have gone low/no contact. OP needs to make sure that they are never in a position to rely on their parents again. They obviously care significantly less than their golden child.
I can’t wait until they are elderly and wondering why their golden child doesn’t really help them and OP hasn’t contacted them in years. It’s going to be rough on them at that point.
Commenter 3: It was definitely petty, but honestly, why would you want to spend more time with family that treats you like that? I understand them paying things to your brother since he can't afford and it's their money, but to imply that you're jealous when they're clearly favoring your brother all that time?!
They still went to the cruise, so I don't think it was a big deal. I'd go low to no contact with them, since they seem to be indifferent to your presence, and it would save you a lot of trouble too.
Commenter 4: they bought tickets for james AND his girlfriend ?
They even like his girlfriend more than you ?
Hmmmm... NTA...if you're to be the black sheep anyway, give them a proper reason.
Update #1: December 2, 2024 (four days later)
(Apologies in advance because this will be a long post). First off, hi everyone! Sorry for posting and then dropping off the face of the Earth haha. I wrote the original post at work during my break and then as soon as the day ended my boyfriend and I headed up to the cabins his family rented for the holidays.
I wanted to be fully present with them so I didn’t actually have a chance to check this until today and I can’t believe how many people chimed in! I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their thoughts, even though I wasn’t able to get through all of them.
I tried reading some comments but got overwhelmed by the sheer amount there was and gave up after scrolling for 20 minutes. So, instead of responding to people individually I will try to address some common things I saw in the comments. If there’s anything I missed addressing, let me know and I will try my best to provide an answer!
Skip ahead like 10 paragraphs if you want to get straight to the update, I am prone to yap a good bit.
Obviously, I’ll start with the 10K in back rent. To me, the number itself wasn’t the issue—I mean, yeah it is definitely a bit higher than I would’ve liked, but not completely unreasonable. For the amount of time I lived there it’s not like I would’ve been able to rent my own place at a cheaper price, and if I hadn’t moved in with them I would’ve completely depleted my savings and probably gone into debt.
While I was laid off and looking for a new job in my field, I had a serving job and did some freelance writing work as well, so I was contributing to groceries but not paying rent or utilities. Because of that, I understood why my parents wanted help once I was in a position to do so. I just wished they had defined that expectation from the beginning instead of springing it on me as a surprise.
I paid it because I know it was an inconvenience for my parents to have me stay so long (especially during some home renovations) and it didn’t feel worth the pushback if I refused. I know it would’ve turned into a whole big issue and it just felt easier to pay the money. Yes, I probably have some pushover tendencies that I need to address. Luckily, I’m in a well-paying field (I’m a technical writer) so once I got my new position, I was able to pay my parents back in about 6 months while also saving up to move out.
The timeline for anyone curious is: I was laid off in January of last year. I used my savings to pay rent until my lease was up in June, and then I moved in with my parents. I lived with my parents from June of last year till September of this year, when I moved in with my boyfriend. I got my current job in May, which is when my parents told me that they wanted back rent and rent moving forward until I moved out (they said it was to help motivate me to get back on my feet). So not ALL of it was back rent technically, but I just used that term to try and be more concise. By the time I moved out, the total amount I owed had added up to the 10K, and I had already paid off most of it.
I also saw a couple comments about pursuing legal action against my parents, but I don’t think that’s worth it or even possible. We never had a written contract and I didn’t argue against paying it. I didn’t want them to be able to hold that over me. Going through any legal issue would just dredge the whole thing up again and I’d rather not do that. It’s paid now, so at least it’s over with.
In the future, I know I should probably be less willing to give into their demands. It’s just difficult when things have been this way my whole life and my experiences have shown me that any refusal paints me as ungrateful in their eyes. I try so hard to be perfect because I just want them to treat me with the same care and support as they do with James.
The worst part is, James and I were super close growing up. When we were kids, we hung out all the time. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike. He stood up for me when I was getting bullied. I don’t think he’s a bad person at all, he just never learned to stand on his own two feet. Our relationship is strained now because he doesn’t get why I have issues with our parents. I miss the brother I would stay up playing Runescape with.
I’m pretty sure he fully buys into the idea that he needs extra help since he’s always gotten it. He doesn’t know how to do or expect anything else. At least he’s still nice to me, but he just refuses to see the differences in how we’re treated and he basically wants me to just suck it up and be part of the family. Sadly, all his support just disappeared once it came to issues with our parents. I hope James gets some distance from them one day and we can reconnect. I don’t want our relationship to keep suffering because of this.
Sorry to get sappy for a second. But back to the comments, another thing I saw some people ask is why I didn’t tell them sooner that I was cancelling. I know that was a petty move on my part but had I told them earlier, they would’ve spent those months trying to convince me to go and insulting me if I continued to refuse. It seemed like such a hassle and the way I did it was much easier. And yeah, maybe this is shitty of me, but I did get some satisfaction out of it. It felt good to treat them at the same level they treat me. Besides, it’s not like it actually affected their trip. They still went, just without me.
Many of the comments brought up the idea of going low contact or no contact with my family, and it is something I’ve now been considering. My boyfriend is supportive of this decision since he has seen firsthand how my parents are. I’m sure my friends will be supportive as well if I explain the full story (Most of them have never met my parents and I’ve tried not to get into the whole family dynamic with my friends since it’s depressing for me to talk about, and I also didn’t want to come off as just whining all the time. Prior to this, they’ve only heard some small complaints here and there.)
With all that out of the way, here’s what happened since my last post.
My boyfriend and I got to the cabin late Wednesday night. I gave his mother a bouquet of her favorite flowers and she loved them. We had a quick glass of wine while talking with his family before heading to bed. I was still a bit uncertain of my decision so I probably wasn’t as peppy as usual, but they didn’t seem to mind. That night I made a promise to myself that I would put my own family issues aside during the trip and just focus on having a good time with my boyfriend’s family who have always been so gracious to me.
On Thursday, we woke up early and helped his mom with some preparation for the food and set the table. After, we played some cornhole with his cousins and sadly lost due to my complete lack of athletic ability. The Thanksgiving meal itself was delicious and his mom is such a good cook! Everyone was very sweet to me and made me feel so welcome as part of the family, which helped me feel much better about my decision to spend the holidays with them.
Towards the end of the night, his mom even said to me that she knows it is ultimately up to my boyfriend, but she hopes I can join the family for real someday! I told her I would be honored if that happens and we hugged. I really do hope it will. I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His family is also an incredible bonus.
I had such a wonderful time on Thanksgiving and enjoyed the rest of the weekend as well. We went on some great hikes, hung around by the bonfire, played board games, and watched movies. My boyfriend also spent some time looking after his little nephew and watching them play with legos together definitely gave me some slight baby fever (though that is not something I want to act on for at least a couple years).
We got back yesterday afternoon and I am already missing everything. It was genuinely a blast and there was no family drama, which made my family seem like even more of a mess. I feel like I’m rambling a bit now (honestly, I probably have been the whole time) but I’m just so excited to share what a good time I had during the holiday and that I definitely made the right decision!
Unfortunately, this update isn’t entirely positive. I wish it could be. My parents reached out last night and they still weren’t happy about my choice. I guess the sea air and unlimited drinks didn’t do enough to relax them. My dad sent a passive aggressive text of cruise pictures with a message that said “Sad that you chose not to be with your family in such beautiful places…” and I sent back a picture from my trip with my boyfriend’s family and said “Looks like you guys had a good time, so did we!”
Then my mom called and said she hoped I regretted missing out on a great family vacation and spoiling their memory due to a “petty grudge” against my brother. I told her my issue wasn’t with James but rather their unfair preferential treatment between the two of us. My mom said that I was the one being unfair by comparing our situations since James needs help while he figures out his direction in life and I’ve always been much more independent.
I told her the only reason that’s true is because they never truly allowed me to depend on them. She said she wasn’t going to apologize for raising a self sufficient daughter, and that I should either grow up and be grateful for everything they’ve done or leave them alone for good and break their hearts all at once instead of doing it piece by piece. She called me cruel for dangling the hope of a wonderful holiday only to snatch it away at the last second. (Even though they seemed to be just fine without me there based on the photos my dad sent and what they posted on social media).
I was really upset by this point and pointed out multiple examples of how they prioritize James, just hoping I could finally make her understand how growing up like this has affected me. My mom said I had a lot of nerve to put their parenting under a microscope when I have no children myself and have never had to make tough decisions. I had enough of the conversation and said I guess I’ll just leave you guys alone like you want since I’ll never be enough for this family anyway.
I hung up and started crying, but my boyfriend was really supportive as always and we spent the rest of the night eating ice cream and watching The Hunger Games to cheer me up (I absolutely love the series and am so excited for Haymitch’s movie to come out!)
It was weird to go back to work today after everything and act like nothing was the matter, but I think it was also a good distraction. Since I chose my boyfriend’s holiday plans instead of my family’s, I actually came back feeling mostly refreshed (besides the events of last night) instead of drained like I most likely would’ve been after the cruise.
I haven’t heard anything more from my parents yet but I have a feeling they’re just bluffing. I’m sure once they need something they’ll reach out, or they’ll probably try and smooth things over by Christmas so they don’t have to explain the situation to our extended family.
I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be open to reconciling. On one hand, I know I deserve better than to be treated as a burden and an afterthought while doing so much for them. I’m tired of trying to live up to their expectations and I’m not optimistic about their behavior ever changing. But on the other hand, they are my family and it’s just so difficult to fully walk away. I just want to feel the love and acceptance from my own family that I get from my boyfriend’s family. Why is it so hard for them to treat me like I matter?
I’m also worried that if I don’t make nice with them, they’ll twist the story to make me seem like the problem and my extended family will be mad at me too. There are people I like within my family, but my parents have a lot of influence over everyone’s opinions. I don’t know if it’s worth putting up with them to at least keep some ties to my family, or if it would be better to accept the loss and move on from a dynamic where I am clearly not appreciated.
I want to keep my brother at least, but maybe I’m just holding on to the past and that version of James doesn’t exist anymore. I hope that’s not true. I just don’t know how to get through to him since he is so brainwashed by my parents and thinks they can do no wrong. I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly get my brother back.
I’ve got some big things to think about now, and I don’t know if I’m ready to make sure a major change to my life. I do believe I’d feel much freer and lighter if I at least distance myself from them, and maybe even cut contact entirely. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I’m sure I already know the answer to this, but is it stupid to still hold out hope that things can work out?
Relevant Comments
OOP should reach out to her relatives to inform and stick to her reasons including the budget concerns for not attending any of her future family events.
OOP: Damn, that is honestly a really smart idea in getting ahead of it. Knowing my parents, they’ll slip up at some point and complain about me being unreasonable for not agreeing to pay, so that would be a good step toward the rest of the family seeing the difference in how they treat James vs me.
I think focusing on the budget aspect and wanting to save money will help smooth things over. I’m not sure what, if anything, my parents have already said to our extended family but hopefully I can turn the focus away from anything they can use as ammo against me.
That being said, I still haven’t decided if it’s even worth my time to repair things. Maybe it’s easier to just slink away from the family entirely, but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to do that. I will be moving forward with your idea in case I choose to keep my family in my life.
OOP explains more about her brother, James, and his living situation and how their parents are supporting him
OOP: James doesn’t live with my parents, they just fund his whole life. Hopefully he’ll become more independent someday and then he’ll realize what they’re like.
He kind of just floats through life right now with no motivation, which is really sad to see. As a kid James used to have such big dreams of becoming an artist, and he was really great and passionate about it. But then he went for a STEM degree since it makes more money and he is really smart, which is why he got a scholarship in the first place. I don’t think he was prepared to struggle in college since everything else came easy to him and he just started falling apart after that.
He leaned on our parents heavily since they’ve always been there for him, and I think he’s too scared to try anything on his own again. I really do hope that one day he figures his life out. Maybe then we’ll be able to be close again.
Is James’ girlfriend also funding his lifestyle?
OOP: His girlfriend is currently in grad school which her parents pay for. So, both of them are having their lives funded, but at least she is striving towards a goal
Commenter: Your mother will never admit that she has been less than generous to you than to your brother. Bottomline : you paid the back rent your parents requested and you know they will never expect your brother to pay them anything. I do think things can “work out” and you can have some sort of relationship with your parents and brother, at least be on speaking terms. But don’t ever let yourself be treated like Miss Tag-a-long who is the family Cinderella. I suggest you be very strong in your mindset than you are never going to raid your savings to attend a ‘family’ function/trip that you would be treated as less than your brother in their esteem.
OOP: That’s a fair point. If I do attend family functions in the future, they certainly won’t be ones where I’m paying large sums of my own money. Down the road, I could be open to going to a family barbecue or something similar. Nothing that requires travel.
Update #2: December 20, 2024 (18 days later)
I’m going to try to keep this one brief since my last update was so long. Not sure how to link my previous posts since I’m on mobile, but they’re available on my profile.
I took the advice of some commenters and reached out to my favorite aunt (my dad’s sister). I told her that unfortunately I would not be at Christmas this year and I will be taking a break from the family for my own mental health, yet I hoped that her and her children enjoy their time and have a great holiday. She said she understood and was proud of me.
That made me feel better and helped me feel brave enough to finally cut the cord. On Wednesday night my mom texted me for the first time since our phone call, saying “If you’re done trying to break apart the family, we expect you to be here by 9:30 on Christmas.”
I told her the only ones responsible for breaking apart the family are her and my dad, and they should not expect me at Christmas or any future events. I said that I have finally learned to go where I am wanted and that is simply not with them.
I could tell she was ramping up to one of her rants insulting and belittling me, so I then blocked her and my dad. I haven’t blocked James yet though, as that will depend on his response when/if he reaches out.
I already feel so empowered, like a weight has been lifted off me. And on a much happier note, my boyfriend and I are leaving to go on a ski trip for the holidays as soon as we are done with work today!
I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to read my posts and offer advice. It was due to the kindness of all you internet strangers that I finally had the strength to cut them out of my life. Thank you so much and happy holidays everyone!
Quick PS: I included that side note in my past update about The Hunger Games as I was hoping to talk about the franchise with people. (At my core, I am still the Tumblr fandom blogger I was as a child haha) Sadly, no one took the bait as there were more important parts of my post to address. That being said, if anyone wants to talk Hunger Games with me, you know where to find me!
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Yay for you. I do wonder if you'll be expected to pick up the torch and help James once your parents pass on or run out of money.
OOP: There is a high likelihood that they expect me to do so, but thankfully their expectations are no longer my responsibility
Commenter 2: Glad to hear you're going no contact. When you spoke to your aunt, did you give her any reasoning or background about how things are with your parents? Does she know/understand the situation? Maybe the distance will give your parents time to reflect on their actions as to how things got to this point. Or they'll double down and play the victim all Christmas. 🤦♀️
Either way, I hope you and your boyfriend have an incredible holiday season, you deserve it! Don't worry about what your parents do or think, they don't deserve the thought space.
OOP: I didn’t outright list the reasons but once I said “for my mental health” she immediately understood what I was getting at. It turns out I am not the only one who noticed my parents behavior, but they had done such a good job of making me feel isolated and alone in my opinions that I truly didn’t believe anyone else would be on my side. I’m very glad that’s not actually the case.
Does James and his girlfriend have any kids? OOP should keep her future kids away from her parents
OOP: He doesn’t have any kids yet but my boyfriend and I have said we wouldn’t want to start trying until we’ve been married for a couple years, so I assume James will have some before me. Hopefully that’ll help that situation be avoided.
Commenter 3: Sounds like you made the right call for your own peace of mind. Cutting toxic ties is tough, but it’s clear you’re already feeling the benefits. Plus, a ski trip with your boyfriend sounds like the perfect way to celebrate your newfound freedom. Enjoy the slopes and the holidays!
(Also, Hunger Games fan here—what’s your take on The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes? Team Snow or Team Literally Anyone Else?)
OOP: Thank you! I’m very excited for the holidays since I’ll actually be with someone I love who loves me back.
So I haven’t read the book yet, only watched the movie—I have to say I’m slightly Team Snow, but I think I may be biased due to Tom Blyth looking so fine haha
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