Not sure if CNC is right for me

I feel like reddit is the only place I can talk to about this. In my head I love cnc and the fantasies get me off but during the actual scenes I’m too scared or ashamed to safe word unless my partner directly asks me. Besides that I enjoy the big cry I have during it but I’m not sure if executing CNC scenes is good for my mental sake since I’m retraumatizing myself in a way since I can’t safe word. Any thoughts/suggestions or guidance is appreciated!