Assessment said not Autistic. I feel lost and alone. 😔

For background: I am 28, AFAB, high masking and a ‘fawner’. Previously misdiagnosed with Bipolar and BPD.

I went through a university psych training clinic bc it’s what I could afford. I did all sorts of screenings and tests. The sessions were long and I felt certain aspects were very thorough.

At my feedback session, I was told I have ADHD, social anxiety, am highly sensitive, and have a high IQ, and that this combination explains the Autism symptoms. Basically the Autism traits they saw were ‘subclinical’, and fall in proximity to* what would have formerly been Aspie. I was told the traits were not restrictive or disabling enough to meet the criteria for DX. In addition, they believe I understand social cues too well, my social deficits stem from anxiety, and Autism traits were not evident enough from an early enough age.

As a child, I was under a lot of scrutiny from my family and I have so many recollections of Autistic behaviors being shut down with punishments and disdain. It was hard for me to talk about this, and I feel in some ways my personal childhood testimony was dismissed. (They interviewed my father for corroboration on my childhood. I happen to believe he is Autistic as well, for many reasons, but I digress.)

I was even diagnosed with seizures as a child because of continued repetitive movements. I was on heavy seizure medications despite the fact that my EKGs and MRIs detected little to no abnormality. After about six years on meds I was reassessed by a neurologist that did not believe I ever had seizures. (I have read all of the medical paperwork and provided it to the clinic.)

Basically, this was a really strenuous and triggering process, and I feel demoralized and unmoored by the results. I have felt invalidated and misunderstood my whole life, and was so confident this would be affirming for me. I have spent the last two years doing tireless research on Autism - specifically AuDHD and its presentations in women. I have done numerous assessments on my own and have spent so much time reflecting on and writing about my experiences. I genuinely, deeply believe that Autism is part of my truth, but I’m finding it hard to validate myself now.

I’m trying not to blame myself. I feel like I didn’t represent or express myself well enough. I feel like I’ll never really be heard, and it brings up so many old wounds. As they were reading back certain impressions of me, I didn’t feel like I was fully present in what they were saying. It just feels like a repeat of what I have experienced my whole life. My assessor was kind and empathetic, there was nothing wrong with them, but I still feel like I wasn’t seen.

They recommended I seek a second opinion if I feel strongly. That being said, I already have documented accommodations with the ADHD DX and that was what I really needed. I don’t think it’s worth it to pay for another assessment and put myself through this again any time soon, but I could use some comfort I guess. 😔

Thank you for reading. I am sorry for the long post. I appreciate you. ♥️

*EDIT: I changed “fall under” to “fall in proximity to” for clarity and accuracy.