How can I live with myself?

Fuckkk, just when I thought it couldn’t get worse (I’m bisexual in a conservative family, I had a crush on this girl for 3 years 😱 I know I’m fucking weird as shit 💩 but anyways, I think she fucking hates me) back to the point, my whole existence is just embarrassing, I can’t keep a friendship, I’m a sadistic freak and I’ve tried getting help but it hasn’t worked so far and I’m just so messed up oh my lord. I’m unfixable and hateable. You know whats so embarrassing? I thought the girl liked me back (she’s bi too) and fuckkkkkk I just can’t. You know what else is embarrassing? I am trusting random strangers on reddit with things I could never tell the people I’m close to… But you know, I like answering questions you guys are curious about anyways I just wanna vent and answer questions not gonna lie.