i feel like giving up

this may be long so i appreciate everyone who takes the time to read this.

i struggle with treatment resistant depression with anhedonia, anxiety, adhd, insomnia, and some ocd like symptoms. i currently see a psychiatrist and i take 20 mg viibryd and 30 mg vyvance in the morning, and 900 mg gabapentin and 50 mg trazadone at night for sleep.

i’ve tried basically every antidepressant out there, including an maoi and ketamine, most of them make me feel significantly worse, some don’t but they don’t ever help me and still leave me with worse fatigue/anhedonia and anxiety.

i’ve been in therapy several times, but ultimately quit as i don’t make any progress and often times feel worse and more unsupported as i’ve never had a therapist who actually ever made me feel like anything more than a number moving through their clinic so they can get paid.

the best i’ve ever been told by them is “im so sorry that happened to you” and that was it. no advice on how to move on, no help, just ended the session there with me feeling more deregulated.

i’ve done cbt before and i’ve never had any of the exercises be beneficial for me in anyway. the best way i can put this is “i don’t need any more coping skills, i need them to work so i can feel better.”

recently i asked my psychiatrist to send me some therapists that they think would be a good fit for me as i don’t know what else to do, im out of options pharmaceutically. i wish i never asked for the list because i just feel more hopeless.

none of them specialize in treatment resistant depression. one of them is an emdr provider and i don’t see how a trauma therapist will help my depression and anxiety, it’s not for depression. all of them are cbt and i just can’t do that again, i’ve been burned by therapy so many times and im just not willing to spill my guts out to someone just to be hit with a monotone “im sorry” “let’s try x exercise” “these thoughts are making you feel worse” yet im given nothing on how to make these thoughts stop. like no duh my brain is so messed up and i know these thoughts hurt me, that’s the whole reason im here. i want to give therapy another try as it’s my last option at this point but i truly cannot find one that i can even bring myself to even want to schedule an appointment with.

i figured my psychiatrist would have the best list for me since he knows me and knows these people, but none of them are going to be a good fit. i actually think im beyond help and i wish i could change my attitude on therapy but its just been so negative towards my mental health in the past. i really am just ready to give up and let whatever happens, happen. any advice you have for me is very much appreciated. i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving.