I need some perspectives on my current scenario. Any type of advice will be helpful

Idk feel like I am a narcissist. I was a loner from birth, really was an outcast from any group. Didn't have any close friends growing up. Anyone I considered close didn't look at me with the same perspective. I had no place to sit with the guys and had to sit with a group of girls. They did help a lot but after an event that also ended. I felt no meaning of life. Life as it seems was dead to me, everyday the same day repeated and my loneliness increased. Grew up with none to less parental supervision within my own creativity. Played alone with myself for hours as there was rarely anyone present. I couldn't connect to anyone in a deeper level now too I can't connect either. Still a loner, made a gf but feel like I am only burdening her. Feel like I am developing a narcissistic nature. I don't want to be a narcissist and be alone again. I don't know what to do.
I have a detachment with life and many times think does this even matter. Why should I not die? What am I living for?
I can't take blame or guilt easily the tendency to not be shameful makes me shift the blame I have towards others, ruining the relationships I have. Normal relationships are ok but the intimate relationship are at stake. I don't know what to do, who to console and how to proceed. I cant stand at a mutual ground with anyone. I envied my gf's fast typing speed for no particular reason once. Other than that I feel as much as happy as she does or even more in her success. I don't want to go back to my old ways.
Being active on social media is a solution I thought but I feel like it will only add to my grandiose behavior.
I have so much internal conflict when things don't go my way. The fact that my gf's ig is public is making me have so much internal conflict, literally two completely opposite ideologies battling it out. I have deactivated all my socials. I cant be dependent on anyone, I feel inferior to them if I ask for any help.
This tendency is making me more and more distant from anyone. I can't ask any help or favor from anyone without feeling like I am making a mockery of myself. I want to have good friends. I am an introvert but extroverted with people a bit close to me. The need to be constantly perfect and correct is causing more and more harm to me after I realize that everything is due to my perspective and outlook on the world.
Help me please