I have no friends because of social anxiety.

I was on the bus and as I looked out the window, I notice a friend group eating ice cream while laughing and they were my age. then I got depressed because I have never had a friend before actually.

honestly the only “friend” I have is someone my parents forced me to talk to. she’s cool but she probably hates me since I used to be so bratty and we’ve been friends for about 5-6 years but we never spoke to eachother after our hangouts. like I have her number but she never reaches out. and we only hang out like 3-4 times in a year.

all my other “friends” were fake and since I was in a small elementary school, I’ve already made friends with everyone and now everyone hated me. now I’m in highschool and everytime I get a close opportunity to friendship I ruin it.

basically for some reason this girl was trying to talk to me and got my username on snapchat and I accidentally ignored her because I was so anxious and scared of talking to another person. after that experience I removed all my social media apps so nobody can reach out to me now. I always ruin my relationships with other people. honestly nobody at school talks to me unless their forced to and whenever another “quiet weird” kid is next to me, they would rather talk to me even tho I never talk back.

I just can’t speak to others, like I legitimately can’t. it’s like there’s chains around my mouth forcing me to be quiet. I could only muster up words if I think about it and think it’s okay to say..

I’m just sad because everyone has friends except me and they are all hanging out and living their teenage youth while I just stay home all day alone. it just sucks because what if I’m alone forever? what if I’m 20 and I look back in life and regret that I didn’t have a good teenage life.

I already planned out my future and it sucks but because of social anxiety it’s my fate. I’m gonna move in a small town, work in a pet shop because no teenagers would go in there. and I’ll live alone.. no friends,no family, no husband or boyfriend and no pets.

I’m just destined to be alone forever even tho I have dreams that are probably impossible to achieve and im to scared to even talk to anybody. anytime I have a conversation with someone I get so scared and it’s obvious I’m nervous to talk to them and I think about that interaction for a year.

I don’t know how to stop feeling like this, I want friends and I want to have a normal teenage life but how can I not if I never had an actual friend before?