Revenge suicide

Let me start this by saying that I will never kill myself. There are thoughts I have though, but I have control over my actions and would NEVER do it. Now that we've gotten that out of the way....

The most intense thought I have when someone hurts me very deeply is "I should get revenge on this person by killing myself and explaining in my suicide note that they're the one who inspired me to kill myself". The ultimate form of self-harm and revenge.

I never take it upon myself to get revenge on other people, though. I hate revenge and vengeance and it makes me feel ashamed for having such thoughts.

So in short, having these thoughts makes me feel like a f*cked up person.

Can anyone else relate?

As a background, I haven't self harmed much other than burned myself as a teenager to let go of frustration. I'm now in my 30s.

Sorry if this post isn't allowed or it isn't the typical post here. I just wasn't sure where else to ask on the internet and feel safe. I just want to know if anyone else has ever had these types of thoughts.