Been wanting to relapse

It's been a few weeks. And in those few weeks my grandad who I'm extremely close to and shared my birthday with passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. He didn't go in his sleep, the way he went was horrible and awful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel so guilty for not being there. He died alone in a hospital. I'm so resentful of my family for letting him die alone. I was 3 hours away and they left him alone in the hospital when they could had stayed.

On top of that I've been struggling anyways with university. My grandad left me incharge of almost everything so that on top of uni work. Ontop of my already failing mental health too.

SH helps me just to survive and cope. I need it so badly. I want to relapse just to survive.