my boobs are the reason why i’m celibate

i know that sounds weird. i know a lot of people are probably wondering what my boobs have to do with my decision to stay celibate. and the answer is pretty complicated.

basically i was born with tuberous breast deformity (TBD) and that caused my breasts to grow in a “unconventional” way. instead of having the perfect round mounds on my chest, i was left with these little cones with puffy nipples and way too big areolas for my almost non existent boobs. yayyyy (kill me now 😀) anywayss, when it came to sex, i had a few men interact with my tubular breasts and no one outwardly said anything bad. but sometimes i could feel that aura of being judged. i don’t know if everyone knows what im taking about, but its like i could tell some people were disappointed. and fuck, i’m disappointed too.

when i was younger, i was like so excited to have boobs, which sounds weird but i wanted to be able to fill out dresses nicely and be able to use my boobs as phone holder. but alas, my wishes did not even come true, but they were more like completely squashed. like i couldn’t just have small boobs? i had to have them “deformed” too? like the genetic lottery hates my guts.

but the main issue i have with my chest is that i just don’t feel comfortable with it. i hate the shape, the way they look, how they feel on my body. all of that, i completely hate. i try to spend most of my time trying not to think about them because when i do, i go down a complete rabbit hole about how no one could ever love me because of my boobs. and when i looked up previous reddit responses about tuberous breasts, my thoughts seemed like they were correct. i saw reply after reply underneath one post about tuberous breasts about how unattractive they are and how it’s a deal breaker. and i understand that everyone finds certain things attractive and unattractive but jesus it fucking hurts knowing someone would reject you based upon solely your boobs. to know that i am considered a turn off just makes me not want to make sex again. when i was sexually active, i tried to hide my chest as much as possible. some guys would ask me to take off my bra but i would never take it off myself first. i would prefer having sex doggy style because i just didn’t want to have them look at my chest for an extended amount of time. it’s horrible feeling that you can’t even feel attractive in your body during sex. and i also have PCOS which i think may have contributed to me having tuberous breasts. (PCOS is a common hormonal disorder in women) So it’s so frustrating to me that my body is “fucked up” and there was nothing i could do to fix it or fix the side effects of having a hormonal disorder.

i’m hoping to eventually get a breast augmentation. i need to lose a bit of weight before i can get the operation. also i’m 20 so im not sure if i have to wait because i want to get gel implants but you have to be 22 but technically you could still get them without insurance covering if something goes wrong. idk it’s complicated. so until i get my boob job, i don’t think im going to be dating/having sex. i just can’t bring myself to disappoint or gross someone out. i wouldn’t feel confident because my body image surrounding my breasts is so bad. in all honesty, i think about unaliving myself a lot because i feel like i can’t live like this anymore. i feel so disgusting in my own skin. but it’s one of those things where you have to just deal with it and try to push through. it’s difficult tho.

but yeah that was my confession/rant because i don’t really have anyone i can talk about this with because im so embarrassed to tell friends. my mother is the only person who knows and she’s supportive. but i still feel like i can’t talk to her about it, it feels too weird. but yeah i don’t know if anyone is going to even see this post but i just wanted to type all my feelings out in case anyone wanted to listen.

Edit: a lot of people are asking for boob pics out of curiosity or just plain horniness. i tried to be brave and send them but a lot of people ended up blocking me/not responding so im not sure if im sending any more pics because if anything its confirming my insecurity and putting me a dark place again. and ive been like crying all the time because it keeps happening. but thank you to everyone that has been really nice and supportive. it means a lot to me