I miss living with my family

I’m an international student who’s been studying abroad for the past 6 years. I came here when I was 15 and I’ve been here ever since, I’ve not gone back home or left the country since I got here. Every time my friends talk about commuting to school from home, or going home for the break I get filled with intense jealousy. I miss living in the same house as my family. The closest thing I have to that is a family group chat, but with us being spread in different continents with different time zones keeping in touch isn’t easy. It’s incredibly lonely being without my family all these years.

I miss going into my parents room and napping with my mum, she’d rub oil all over my scalp and give me a massage while humming a made up song. I miss eating dinner with my family every night and the annoying bickering with my siblings. I miss arguing over clothes and jewelry with my sisters. I miss my dad driving me everywhere and giving me money whenever I was hanging out with my friends. I miss having a support system within arms reach. I miss knowing someone else is in the house and that I’m safe. I miss being excited over holidays and the random road trips and barbecues.

It’s funny I always wanted space and independence, but living alone for this long is driving me crazy. Sometimes I wish I never came here and I stayed back home, I feel guilty for even thinking that because I know how hard my parents worked to send me here for a better opportunity. I get so mad at the leaders in my country, if only they did their fucking jobs and weren’t so corrupt then maybe we’d be a stable country and I wouldn’t have to uproot my life and everyone I love and come over here alone.

I wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I never came here…I feel like I would’ve been happier, less jaded and angry but who knows? It’s complicated because I’m scared to go back too, the “home” I knew is gone/ changed forever. 6 years is a long time and things are so different now, what if I go back and I’m forced to accept that? What if I feel left out even at home? Then what do I do? I feel like I’m stuck and just reliving the past. I just wish I could be a kid again