Trying to cope with my (23F) boyfriend of 5 years' (23M) untreated ADHD.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD just a couple of months after we started dating, and we've been together for about 5 years since then. He also struggles with severe depression and anxiety, which I do as well. He is also going completely untreated for his various conditions at the moment -- he's said he is looking for a therapist for months but hasn't gotten one, and he's been on medication in the past and doesn't like it. None of these things have really kept us from having a good relationship until the last year and a half, when we graduated from college and moved in together. I've been seriously struggling with a 'parent-child' dynamic between us for a few different reasons, and it's been hard for me to know when my anger is justified vs. when I should be sympathetic to his ADHD, or when I'm being too forgiving toward him for things that shouldn't be excused or rationalized. He is also very short-tempered, which is a problem in itself that he is aware of but doesn't really manage. There are a few main issues I've been having in particular:

• He pretty much refuses to help maintain our (very small) apartment. And I don't mean keep it totally spic-and-span, I myself am not even that clean around the house -- I just try to do basic things like dishes, vacuuming every now and then (we have a cat & I'm allergic), cleaning up garbage after myself, making the bed. Sometimes he says he will help and he procrastinates a task for weeks, which is frustrating, but I try to be empathetic toward it and I understand it is part of his ADHD. Some of the time though, I'm met with hostility (yelling, swearing at me) when I ask him to help me with simple tasks as if I'm asking outrageous things of him. He'll apologize afterward, acknowledge he's being an asshole, and he'll say that he'll try to be better about controlling his anger, helping me, etc., but nothing has ever changed. I have tried to express simply and clearly that I understand what he is dealing with, but that it makes me angry when he doesn't help because it makes me feel disrespected, taken for granted, and like he doesn't take me seriously. I don't do his chores for him when he doesn't do something, but still, I think because there is no direct consequence for him if e.g. the dishes aren't done, it doesn't really register how frustrated I am. Or, other times I will express anger and he has said things that are kinda manipulative, like how I must hate him and that he's such a loser, a terrible person, etc.
• He alternates between being very hyperactive and then depressed and sedentary. When he is hyperactive, he can be very rowdy and child-like, with little regard for others -- he'll be extremely loud, even at night, and grabbing and prodding at me even when I say I don't like it. He'll literally try to wrestle me sometimes, grabbing me and throwing me off balance so that I start to fall. I think he acts in a way that anyone would objectively say is annoying and off-putting. I'm often patient with him and will sternly, repeatedly say no when he does something I'm not comfortable with. He knows that I don't like these behaviors, especially as someone with severe anxiety, but it usually takes me getting visibly upset for him to stop. There have been nights where I'll have a panic attack after hours of him being in my face, jumping on me, screaming randomly, etc., and then he'll finally realize what he's been doing. The hyperactivity I recognize as part of his ADHD, and I think that's why I can be patient a lot of the time, but he is going untreated and he doesn't seem to even try to stop himself or find alternative ways of getting his energy out when I say no.
• He is finally in a steady job now, but for the first half of the year, he kept getting and then quitting jobs just because he didn't like the work. So, I've had to pay for his half of rent a few times, and he now owes me somewhere in the range of $1,500 to $2,000. Flash forward, he's been in a new job for a few months and has been able to pay his rent lately, but he spends pretty much all of his spare money on restaurant food and weed. On top of this, he works at a marijuana dispensary where he gets an enormous credit each month to get weed basically for free, and yet he still chooses to go to other dispensaries and spend hundreds of dollars a month. He has paid down a very small amount of what he owes me, but it's been months like this and he's been hostile when I've tried to bring up him paying me back and his spending.
  

I've been trying to express the things that make me angry with him more clearly and simply, but through all of this, it's been very hard for me to not make justifications for him on account of his ADHD/depression/anxiety and then end up suppressing my frustration. Even when I'm direct, nothing changes, and I don't know how to motivate him when my anger hasn't been enough of a consequence for him. I am also very conscious of praising and thanking him when he helps around the house, or when he apologizes or stops what he's doing after I say no. I don't want to have to threaten him to get him to realize how frustrated I am, but I feel like I'm his mother that is providing for him and taking care of him while he's also being disrespectful/taking me for granted.

I'd also say that I think he is aware of all of these negative traits I've described; he's expressed a lot of frustration at himself for his anger outbursts. But I think he is also depressed enough (again, untreated) that he doesn't have the will to try and change. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him and he doesn't want or care to change.

So, I'm wondering if anyone else has any experience as a non-ADHD partner to a person with ADHD. Have you dealt with this dynamic, and how do you get out of it? And how do you distinguish between someone having a mental health issue versus just being a bad partner?

tl;dr: My untreated ADHD boyfriend (23M) behaves in a way that's left non-ADHD, anxious me (23F) feeling disrespected and like a parent managing/taking care of a child, and he doesn't seem to want to listen when I express frustration.