i (f23) found my boyfriends (m25) secret porn addiction & feel extremely hurt since he refuses to have sex with me

we’ve been together for 3.5 years now, friends for 15. when we first got together, sex was regular and great! we mesh so well together. after we bought our house, i noticed a decrease in sex. 99.99% of the time, he rejects me. he doesn’t touch me. he doesn’t initiate. he’s not affectionate. sometimes i walk through the house naked to get his attention and he doesn’t even spare me a glance. this decline has happened over the course of a year, more rapidly the last 6 months due to his new job that i think he secretly hates.

i kissed him goodnight the other night and he immediately turned away from me and said he doesn’t feel good, which is normally what he says when i try to initiate sex. i wasn’t here. so i knew immediately something was wrong. he was hiding something or lying. i thought it was a woman. or a man. i don’t know. i was expecting cheating.

so after he went to bed, i grabbed his phone and began snooping. i found zero trace of another partner. he really isn’t that type of guy either. i really wasn’t expecting it. it was more like a solution i had hope to find for all my questions regarding his lack of affection and intimacy.

but going through his search history, i found pages on pages of PAID porn. the chat rooms. the step sister, curvaceous blondes, all of it. which killed me. i am a petite brunette. i looked nothing like those categories. and here he was, watching them, getting off to them, paying for them. he told me when we first got together that porn was for disgusting men who didn’t respect women. and i’m certain at the time he fully believed that.

i was absolutely destroyed. i showered, gathered my thoughts, and woke him up to tell him i wanted him to stay with his parents. that i found his porn. that i thought he was cheating so i went through his phone and found it all. he didn’t say anything besides ok. and i slept on the couch that night.

i feel so enraged. for months i would communicate my self esteem and insecurities and how they are tied to lack of intimacy and affection. i have been patient. i have been understanding. but i have been rejected more times than i can count. i thought i was the problem. i thought there was something wrong with me. i don’t even know if he read my letters or texts. but he wouldn’t respond in sit down conversations when i confronted him about it. he would bow his head and nod at me but never give a response. i knew change wouldn’t happen overnight. but i don’t see change ever happening now.

i want to leave him. i want to scream at him. how can he chose videos over a girl sleeping next to him every night?

i initiated. i tried giving him head. i tried foreplay, just being naked. i’m open to any kinks. any position. all of it. i love having sex! so seeing all his porn has made me feel an entirely new type of rejected and ugly.

i suspect he’s in a really bad mental health episode. his father is bipolar and struggles with depression. whenever they interact, his father calls him fat and compares him to his brother that is into weight lifting. i know it hurts. but i make sure to tell him how handsome i think he is.

i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to help him. or if he even wants help. how do i talk to him about this? kicking him out probably wasn’t the best idea… but i need space and a few days to think this through. time to get advice from strangers on the internet.

j, if you’re seeing this, part of me actually hates you. i hope it was worth it & you’re happier because of this.

tldr; i found my boyfriends secret porn addition and i’m not sure how to proceed. he would rather watch videos of sex than have sex with me, despite my constant initiation and readiness.