Be Here Now - the book

I read Be Here Now almost 10 years ago, and have been reading it every now and then. There are times when I am reading it and I can actually listen to it and other times I am just reading but I am not able to really listen to it.

Also found a correlation between using weed and reading it - I can always listen to it when I’m high. Later came to a realisation that when I’m high I’m able to listen to everything more - my surroundings also. But this listening makes me super tired so it doesn’t last for long.

There was a time when I could listen deeply throughout the day. But after a few months one day something snapped and I became super tired and had this super heavy feeling in my chest. And around that time I was not able to listen to or comprehend spoken language or text also. I was completely blocked.

Most important realisation has been that when I could listen deeply and intently I felt very connected to myself and the surroundings. I was very secure and warm and could connect with people. But now I feel this dread if I try to listen. I can’t listen at all, I’m usually just listening dryly to text or speech for a short time but I find it very hard to comprehend it. The whole process makes me extremely tired and I need 1 days sleep to recover from 15 mins of intently listening.

Any idea what has been happening? I suspect it has something to do with inner peace. But my inner peace is fucked because of insecurity of not feeling connected to myself because I can’t listen.