Patterns I observe in narcissistic parents during arguments.

When a narcissistic parent repeatedly makes the same mistake, and you confront them about it, this is the pattern I’ve observed from their response. Let me know if you've experience responses like these:

They guilt trip you:

  • "After everything I’ve done for you, ..."
  • "I sacrificed everything for you, ..."

Know this: No matter how much they have done for you, it doesn’t mean that holding them accountable is wrong. You must acknowledge everything they have done for you, but at the same time, understand that it’s irrelevant to their current mistake. When you confront them, your goal is for them to recognize their mistake and correct it, or at least apologize. Just because they were kind to you doesn’t mean they shouldn’t reflect on their ongoing mistakes. Don't let them guilt trip you into questioning yourself.

They Invalidate your feeling:

  • "You're overreacting" after crossing every boundary and pressing every button.
  • "other people have it worse". Others having it worse is irrelevant to the fact that they are hurting you and need to stop.
  • "You're too sensitive".

You've heard these before, haven't you?

Know this: If you feel upset after they have done something that hurt, harmed, or affected you, you're not wrong to feel that way. Don't fall for their nonsense—they don’t actually care about what they said; they’re just trying to "win" the argument with anything they can come up with. Their goalpost or threshold of "winning" is when they successfully assert you as the "bad" person. It’s a completely natural human reaction to feel upset when something is hurting you. Every single human on earth is like this, so don’t let them gaslight you into questioning your own feelings.

Control and manipulation:

  • "You owe me because I brought you into this world.”
  • "If you don’t do what I say, I’ll cut you off."
  • "I won’t love you if you keep acting like this.”
  • "You’ll regret treating me this way when I’m gone"
  • "No one will love you more than I do"
  • "If you keep acting like this, no one can live with you". NO, YOU.

You've heard these before, haven't you?

These things are so absurd and blatantly unacceptable that I don't even have the words to express why they're unacceptable.

Gaslighting:

  • "You’re selfish.”. NO, YOU.
  • "You’re trying to make me look bad.". You look bad because YOU INDEED are bad, perhaps change????.
  • "That didn’t happen, you’re just imagining things.".
  • "I never said that"
  • ~Gaslight you into thinking that you're the one with issue~

Behavior:

  • Always shift the blame. If they misunderstand you, it's your fault for not speaking clearly, not theirs for not paying attention. Even if you admit that you weren't clear enough initially, they will continue harping on it and never return to the main topic.
    • Blame that you were not coherent
    • Blame that it's because you were angry
    • Blame it on the fact that you didn’t speak nicely— even though you were polite at first, until they kept responding in an unacceptable manner.
    • When they can’t blame you anymore, they’ll start blaming their surroundings—claiming they're too busy and that you're the one lacking empathy.
  • They resist refocusing on the topic. Even if you point out that they are going off-topic, they don't care—they just keep going on and on. They just don't care to refocus.
  • Always go off-topic. Have you noticed how everything mentioned above always steers away from the main issue? Yet, they use one or multiple of the above responses IN EVERY argument.
  • They get very upset if you expose their narcissistic behavior to others. It’s as if they know they’re wrong, but instead of changing themselves, they expect you to stay silent. My parents actually banned me from talking to anyone when I was upset with them—not to teachers, classmates, friends, or anyone—because it would make them look bad. And if they looked bad, they believed it would make me look bad as well. They actually said that.
  • You will most likely be accused of being disrespectful, ungrateful, or trying to hurt them. Does anyone else relate? Know this, you're not. They make false accusations.
  • In arguments, especially when you confront them about something, somehow, the focus always focus on their feelings and never yours. They never take even a fraction of a second to consider your feelings. They never acknowledge that they hurt you or that you're right to be upset. No, absolutely no way—it's always about how much they’ve done for you, how ungrateful you are, and how upset they are by the “disrespect” and blah blah blah.
  • They are scarily skillful at presenting a carefully crafted image of themselves to the outside. People would think you're the trouble child despite all the absurdity they did above.