Finally came clean.

After 15 years of hiding my darkest secret, I’ve finally decided to come clean. I’ve had many breaking points, no different from the one I’ve had very recently, but the difference this time is that I’m choosing to openly trust and work with my loved ones in my journey to heal from this disease.

The constant repetition of gambling to escape my pain just became unbearable for my mind and spirit, boredom sets and it becomes this masochistic wheel of death. I knew I would die very poorly if this had continued any longer, it wasn’t an abstract idea for me, it was a fact. At the very least, I had already done the most in trying to squander and hinder my potential. 15 long years of not being able to change is a very scary thing, because, all of the unintentional living and self-sabotage will pass the years like a blink of an eye. Being in debt from problematic gambling becomes a downright vicious cycle that quite simply destroys your entire life because it’s not money that’s lost, it’s time. When I first started gambling, I was 18. I’m 33 now. My entire identity secretly revolved around gambling from my confidence, self-worth, and ability to emotionally regulate myself healthily. I was never content with myself even when having a seamingly successful life outside of gambling. No matter all of the successes and compliments, gambling always undermined any self worth that I had earned legitimately.

I realize that only by meeting the source of my pain that was my childhood (or whatever narrative your self-worth is reliant on), by revealing the shame that I hid from my loved ones all these years, and for it to be graciously met it with acceptance and love, I found myself able and willing to change. I know that may not be the case for everyone but I hope everyone can find peace within themselves in discovering and understanding why they gamble in the first place. To love that part of yourself (because it needs it), and for you to change and be who you’re supposed to be.

Today is day 1 of no gambling. My finances are shared with my loved ones to keep me fully accountable, I’ve going to therapy and will meet with a care team for further help with my problematic gambling, and I’ve self-excluded from every gambling site I’ve ever used and will ever use. I’m confident this is the end of this chapter of my life. I feel as if the person I knew for the past 15 years died today. I carry the shame and guilt as a badge of honour, I survived 15 years of mental warfare to finally have a chance to live the life I’ve always wanted to. I hope you all have the courage and support system to do the same!