Addiction to losing

This is what this is, and you know what I'm talking about. Everyone that isn't a gambler will think I'm crazy for saying this, but you guys, you know. It's not the win we are ultimately after, it's the loss. We always know, in the back of our minds, how this ends. We fucking know. And yet, we do it anyways. When the account reaches 0, RELIEF. Finally, finally I don't have to gamble. It's over, FINALLY. The itch has been scratched, as we stare into the abyss. Nothing matters now, everything is over, at least for now. Maybe a few minutes of, not despair, but nothingness. Not bliss either, numbness. That is, before hell comes rushing in, like a train. ANXIETY. As we wake up from this dream, realizing it was a nightmare. The horror of the person we became, the guilt, the shame. The pain, in the stomach, in the heart. Withdrawal begins, and the scheming mind takes over. How to recover, how to keep going, how to stop the PAIN. How to stop the PAIN. How? By gambling more, and the wait for the next paycheck is brutal. The obsession builds up, the itch builds up. ANXIETY builds up. I need to make it stop. I don't want to feel. If I win, it feels good, amazing. EUPHORIA. Followed by ANXIETY, and PAIN??? What? But I was feeling good just a moment ago. PAIN. Withdrawal again. I must GO ON. Until I lose. Until I lose everything. Until sweet defeat. Only then does it stop, only then can I relax, once the deed is done, and I sit there, exhausted. Lifeless. Comfortably numb. Like a reptile, cold blooded. It is over.

And then it starts over...

You are not after winning. You are after losing. When you think of gambling, never think you are in it to win. A normal person might be, but you are not normal. You are a problem gambler, and you will not stop until you are numb, when your account hits not $1000, not $100, not $10, not $1, but $0. $0. You won't stop until you see that $0, that white flag on the horizon, not a dollar before that. You are in it to lose.