Weirdest/funniest office quotes?

Everyone's stressed with the holidays, so I thought I'd air out the office dirty laundry with the wildest shit that gets said at our firm. For background, Attorney = m/40/gay (Atty); Me = f/31/lesbian; Legal Assistant (LS) = f/32/straight.

• “Oh lord, Jesus take the e-file wheel.” - LS
• “Only the bottoms like Taylor Swift.” - Atty
• “[Atty], I’m going to clothesline you. I am going to bodyslam you into Hell.” - Me
• “It’s not the end of the world, it’s just the end of our world today.” - LS
• “Make sure to tell them the hearing is Wednesday afternoon, and if they could possibly get the affidavits to us by tomorrow then I will personally drive down to their office and suck the dick of whatever notary they have locked up in their basement that makes same day affidavits a possibility.” - Me
• “See, I love my job, in the way one loves an abusive spouse.” - LS
• “I use this really rare birth control called anal sex.” - Atty
• “That wasn’t just luck, that was a pro move from an experienced drinker. I’m board certified in drinkin’ and dancin’.” - Atty

Please, please gimme something funny. I've got three hearings, a mediation, and a set of disco due this week. I need the distraction.