I just need a moment away from this hell

My dad (73) has stage 4 PC. It was diagnosed in October after an absolute hellish several months of unresolved pain and weight loss.

I uprooted my entire life to move to be with him and my mom. It’s a choice I’m so glad I made, because I don’t want any regrets. However, I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted by this.

I feel like my mental health is a roller coaster, I’m never fully mentally present for my toddler, and I’m tired 100% of the time. I’ve been successfully treated for depression/anxiety for years, but this is making day to day life so hard.

I sit here and think about how miserable things have been and feel SO selfish. My dad is going through something so much worse, yet I cry about having to move and build a new life. I feel so guilty. I’ve spent 6 years far away for grad school, and now I find myself regretting it even though I love my career. I just wish I could have more quality time.

Since his diagnosis his pain has been horrible. It took over a month to get it from a 7-9 to a 3. Several procedures, paracentesis, and now methadone/dilauded. He’s down to 120lbs but is comfortable and can eat again. He even started his first chemo and it went well.

I’ve been hopeful the last few days, but today my heart sank. I could see his sclera were becoming yellow. He’s not had any elevated Tbili since this started. Now all I can think is we finally have him comfortable and he’s going to die so fast because of how aggressive his PC is.

I’m just broken right now. Exhausted. Thanks for reading my vent.

UPDATE : I just want to thank you all for the kindness. Reading your words has helped me feel not so alone through this. Every comment that came through was an immense comfort for me.