I think I broke my wife....

On here because apparently this is the place to come when you need unsolicited advice from internet strangers.

I (28m) have been married to my wife (30f) for a decade at this point. For the stories sake let's just call my wife Mary, fake name of course. She's the light of my life. Everything she does, she does it with such a sweet and giving heart. I really do wonder sometimes how I got so lucky when I look at her.

Things have....not been so great though this past year. It just seems like the two of us can not catch a break. Mary had started to pull away little by little, becoming more and more distant with me when she started a new job last year. I knew she was stressed, constantly on edge about deadlines, projects, and trying to juggle our household. So, I left well enough alone and let her deal with what she needed to deal with. As time progressed, though, and she followed into the new year with this job, her mood started to deteriorate. She become more irritable, short, and to the point when we talked. If I asked her about her day, she would look at me as she dropped her bag on the counter and just say, "it was work" and walk off to the bathroom. I probably should've taken that as a red flag that her mental health was awful, but I didn't and as I usually did I left it alone.

Around four months into the year, Mary had all but pulled away from me altogether. We were basically just roommates who lived, and coparented together. She would make plans with our daughter without me, or ask if I wanted to come last minute. I could tell she was only asking because our daughter had asked if I was coming, she really didn't want me there. These trips, roadtrips, or just fun excursions would usually end in us arguing though, and her getting mad.

In May she informed me she was taking a girls trip with a coworker in August. This was something completely unheard of with her. She never made plans for just herself, and honestly it pissed me off. To think she was going out of the country for the weekend was enough to set me off, and ignore her the week leading up to her leaving. That weekend I was left with the dogs, and our daughter to take care of alone. When she came back, I was angry to say the least, but I think this is where I truly started this downhill chaos. She walked in with bags and bags of stuff, a huge smile on her face, and said "I brought gifts!" I let our daughter get her things Mary brought back, and spend time with her before she ran off to her room to play. Mary pushed a bag across to me, smiled and told me she didn't forget me, and how badly she needed to get away for the weekend....I snapped, and threw the bag in the trash with everything in it. This is where I said something I know I'll never be able to take back, "You probably did nothing but cheat, and I dont want what a cheater buys me." Even as angry as I was, I watched the light in my wife's eyes die. There wasn't any anger, any sadness, any happiness. She just stood there, staring at me with this blank expression.

We didn't speak for a few weeks after that, but I could tell what I said had really effected her in a bad way. She wasn't eating, her hygiene was slipping, and she wasn't keeping up with the house anymore. That's when she walked in in September with her head hung, and told me she had lost her job. Apparently her mental health had taken such a downturn, her performance at work had fallen and they had found a replacement for her position. I did what I could to help her get through it, and as selfish as it is I was relieved. I thought I would get my wife back, and for about a month and a half I did. She was slowly coming back, smiling, laughing, talking with me...it was like the woman I had fallen in love with was back.

That was until Monday evening. She came into the living room, and sat down across from me. She looked angry, sad, a mix of just chaos. I was gaming and on my mic at the time so I just looked at her, waiting for her to say something. So this is where I know I screwed up. Mary's birthday was about 3 weeks ago. We had discussed some things to do, and she had given me some ideas of what she would like. It wasn't anything special or over the top. She just wanted to spend the day with me either at a spa, or go out to eat and see a movie; while the nanny watched our daughter. Easy enough right...not for me.

I didn't plan anything, and the morning of her birthday she knew. Mary looked at me after we got home from dropping our daughter off at school, and I asked her what she wanted to do. Her face immediately fell, and she said nothing. I watched as she walked back to our bedroom, close the door, and she slept the entire day. She didn't even want to spend the rest of the day with our daughter once she was home from school.

Going back to Monday, she brought it up. Asking why we were even married anymore if all I was going to do was gaslight her into thinking I cared. That I toyed with her, thinking we could actually salvage the relationship, that I had done nothing but shatter her heart again and again. This pissed me off admittedly. I know I probably had a nasty look on my face when I said this, but I was so angry I told her, "you don't even know the meaning of that word. You're too stupid to know the meaning of that word, so just keep your mouth shut if you're going to be nothing but ignorant." She stood up, and slapped me. I didn't do anything but watch in shock as she ran out of the room crying after that.

Since then all she does is cry, and im at a loss on how to fix this...if it can even be fixed. I'm sitting by myself in the damn living room, thinking of everything throughout the years. As she's asleep in our daughters room with her. The only thing she's said to me since then was, "you accuse me of cheating because I needed to breath from stress and no help here at home for a weekend. Do you know how many horror stories I've read about husband's leaving their wives for women they game with...and you game all the time."

I dont know, maybe I am jealous, maybe I am wrong, maybe she deserves better, maybe I have neglected her for too long at this point. I just needed a place to spew all of this as my marriage crumbles around me. Some advice would be nice, I guess.

*I guess an update and edit, since I don't really know how to go about it on here.

So some context here so I don't seem like a completely emotionally absent husband and father. I work in chemical engineering, which is a very demanding job. My normal schedule can swing at any given moment and normally I work anywhere between 60 to 80 hours a week. My wife works in finance, so her job has a more set schedule 9 to 5 when she works. So she took on the majority of the household duties and cared for our child when we didn't need the nanny. It was just something we agreed to when we first got married, since she would have a more "normal" job in terms of schedule than I.

Yes, emotionally I am as ignorant as they come. I was raised in a broken home with very little affection. My mother had to work constantly to keep a roof over mine and my siblings head. So, It was focus on your education, not your social life, and that's what I did. Financially, I am secure because of that, and I'm grateful for that. I don't have to worry, my family doesn't have to worry, and we have everything we need. I will never say I regret my education, but I will say I hate that it's costing me like it is now. I guess the best way of putting it is I'm a nerd in a lab coat whose an idiot with women. Yes, we do actually exist outside of shows and movies.

Now, for those of you saying this is fake. Unfortunately, it's not. Though i will say i take it as a compliment to be accused of being chatgpt. To the other, im an engineer, not an english major. Im not a professional writer obviously, and i was told by a coworker to come here for advice. This is not Mary, and i've read through the comments, personal messages and damn....damn. Being honest, I really didn't think I was that bad, but I guess if you have the outpouring of anger I've gotten. I realized I really needed to take a moment to think about everything Saturday as the comments about what a pos I am flooded in.

So I sat down with my wife yesterday after I finally got her to settle down. The conversation was turbulent, to say the least, and I've come to realize I love my wife, but I'm not in love with my wife. Im pretty sure i actually resent her in some odd way. I dont even understand why. Which that was a heartbreaking thing to realize on both of our parts; which I think just destroyed my wife further. I know she loves me, or she wouldn't have put up with half of what she has. I think that's what sucks the most out of all this is just watching as you keep hurting someone even when you just want to do better by them. I know I love her, but I can't bring myself to truly say I love her. Maybe its just the comfortability after so long or something...i dont know, and i wont claim to know at this point. She's given me a home, not just a house, a beautiful little girl, and more love than I've ever known. I'm an ahole I know, trust me I know, and I know it's something wrong with me mentally...not her.

So, I let her read through everything i posted with me after our talk, and I think the one comment that hurt the most from all of you though, and the one that stood out the most to her was one had said, "How you're showing your daughter, she should be treated." Eye opening, to say the least. I wouldn't want her to be married to a man who ignored her and made her feel like she didn't deserve the world. I could see the hurt in Mary's eyes as she realized our daughter could end up in an loveless marriage because of our actions and think it's okay. A lot of tears shed yesterday evening on that one, on both our parts.

So individual, couples, and family therapy is being scheduled before a divorce is set in motion the next coming weeks.

It's been quiet since then, and I can't bring myself to look in the mirror. I'm disgusted with myself. I promised I wouldn't allow my child to grow up in a broken home, or feel less than loved, because that's all I ever knew. I watched my own mother end up in a loveless marriage, cheated on, divorced, and left with four kids to raise basically on her own. Now, it just feels like I'm continuing my dad's legacy of family neglect and abandonment, just in a different way.

I guess in some weird way, thank you reddit. Even with the hateful comments and messages it was eye opening to see different points of view. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt and I am going to do my best to try and at least make life easier for Mary and my daughter. Work on fixing myself, and my mental health. Getting Mary the help she needs, and any help our daughter may need from all of this. Even if it means we end up divorced; I don't want them to ever struggle financially or emotionally because of me, and I dont want my daughter to ever think for one second I don't love her.

Second update: Hi all...I never planned on a second update, but yeah, here I am. Mary and I went for our two therapy sessions this past week, and a lot has come out that I can't believe I was oblivious to. My wife has been struggling with depression and anxiety for years now. Apparently, PPD did a number on her after we had our daughter, and she never truly recovered from it. I didn't know, and that's my own fault.

There were points in our conversation during the couples counseling that really hit hard, and hurt. I asked her why she pulled away like she did at one point once she had started working again. She showed me multiple texts, emails, and missed calls where she had reached out during the day, excited about the job when she had just started....and I never answered. So her point was I didn't seem like I cared to know what was going on. So she quit trying after the first few months of me not responding. I get it, I do....if I had to beg for attention the way she's had to the past few years. I would quit as well.

I did finally break down and ask her about the trip. I felt like an idiot when she pulled her phone out and started showing me pictures she had took with her female coworker. Nothing but old architecture, museums, food and art. Even going so far as to show me receipts for everything she bought, where she had been, and she did point out she had texted and tried calling multiple times while away. I was so angry at that time though, I had ignored her, every call, every text. Which admittedly I had forgotten about doing. Now looking back, I feel like shit about it because she told me she was just wanting to know during that time what all I would've wanted while she was away. Souvenirs, sweater, shirt, model sets....basically everything I threw away that she had gotten me.

We did discuss her never wanting me to go with her and our daughter, or what I felt was her not wanting me to come. She told me it was frustrating to invite someone out weeks in advance, because she wasn't just taking our daughter to the park or something. She was planning to attend events, parades, festivals, etc. I admit I forgot about a lot of them and had forgotten to buy tickets. This frustrated Mary to the point she felt I wasn't actually interested in going anywhere with them because I was putting my gaming first. She took it upon herself to take a pic of me every hour one day while I was gaming, and I nearly vomited in the therapists office. I had spent a total of 12 hours on my off-day gaming. It was eye opening, especially when Mary broke down in tears, and stated this has been going on for years.

That's when she dropped the bombshell on me. She found messages between me and a woman I game with online. She had printed the messages out in advance and sat them on the table in front of us. "You've been having an emotional affair with this woman for years," she told me. This blindsided me, and in a panic, I walked out of our session. I realize it's better to talk to your spouse about issues, and such...but it just came easier with the other woman. I know in the process I neglected and hurt my family, but I was too blind to see what I was doing.

Since then, things have been tense in the house. What I believed to be my happy, doting wife now likely hates me. Our daughter doesn't interact with me, and anytime I try, she just says I don't know what I'm doing and pushes me away. It's crazy everything built in 13 years is crumbling away...it hurts, and I hate it, but it's my own damn doing. The thought of truly losing my family makes me physically sick, but I know there's no coming back from all this.

I won't be updating anymore after this. So I am sorry if this comes off as ranty, and all over the place. I'm just realizing how badly I did screw up as I sit in my car before heading home from work.