I hate my child and she's ruining my life

I don't think I'm a bad parent. I don't think I'm a bad person. But I cannot parent my terribly-behaved 10 year old and I don't know what else to do. She's ruining my marriage, my other child's mental health, and my wife's mental health.

My child was always difficult since she was a toddler. She was demanding, needed things immediately, would have tantrums, was unwilling to apologize for anything, and this only got worse over time. She was a 'queen bee' in her class in pre school and while everyone knew how smart she was, she also was mean and refused adults' requests.

She's now older and she's unbearable. She assaults us most days with kicks or punches (EDIT: when she's elevated and doesn't get her way). She screams (EDIT: at us and calls us names, says she wishes we were dead, etc.). She demands. She's barely able to stay in school and only because they can't kick her out of public school. She's been through mental health programs that have cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. And she's hardly better, if at all.

EDIT: She is on multiple medications for ADHD, depression, and anxiety and has been diagnosed with all of the above. She was not diagnosed with autism spectrum by a qualified neruopsychologist during two different neuropsych testings.

I don't know what to do and I cannot keep living my life this way. I'm somewhere between sending her to an awful residential facility where she will probably be abused and things get worse, letting her worsen and go to jail as a juvenile, or ending my own life. This is just simply unbearable and I don't deserve this abuse from my child. I'm so sad every day.

EDIT: I should clarify. I hate her behavior. I don't hate my child as person. I'm sad for her. But I HATE her behavior and the impact it has on my family.

EDIT 2: lots asking about genetic testing. We did that and have adjusted meds accordingly. Others have suggested therapy. She just did a 15 month, 8 hour a day intensive therapy program and now has a therapist for 2 hours per week each week. We are on top of therapy and meds.