I kinda felt unworthy

Hi, I just wanna tell anyone what I am feeling cause I don't wanna bother my friends with this. They are busy as it is.

But anyways, I'm a freshmen in college rn and I have this one classmate that I wasn't close to at the beginning of the semester and he really caught my eyes as he was kinda my type. We were casual the following weeks due to group activities and his circle is kinda my friends too rn. At this time I was slowly getting a crush on him but kept my cool as I want to keep it to myself and not tell anyone, then ff to the day we went to one of our friends house to drink cause it was someone's birthday so we decided to celebrating and drink and also have fun. He was getting kinda flirty days before but at this day he was more obvious than ever then due to the alcohol he became more confident in making moves with me. I mean he tried to kiss multiple times but failed (in a good way tho) cause I refused to kiss someone that doesn't want to take responsibility and for him it was for clout or smth. I felt angry with myself because why did I let myself like him. The next couple of days were awkward for me but we both brushed it off and continued to be casual with him still be flirty. He is a good guy but somehow I just don't like how he jokes about on somethings.

Anyways, yes i fell for him completely with his daily antics but it got weird because I suddenly felt like he was playing me and his friends knew that, and that made me fell into my insecurity hole. I went on overthinking it everyday after school. But then we had another celebration for our successful exam which is an overnight swimming, of course with the same people from before and we are like some sort of big friend circle. There were moments here that firstly he whispered how much he wants to make out with someone then proceeds to look at me which I avoided, then secondly being all clingy with me in the pool hugging and such which I seemingly obliged cause I like him now (secretly), then lastly to want to try to make out with me, tempting but no and we both dont know how to. Those moments made me think for weeks cause how could he do those things with me and not give me an ounce of assurance that somewhat he likes mee in some way. (at this point im thinking im delusional as fuck yet not my fault as he gives me mix signals) then it went back to the thought of him just playing me which made me crumble and cry. Cause tbh, I never had a boy approach me like this and only dated one girl back in hs, so evrything was new to me and now I end up in shambles because of this boy. These past two weeks I have been ignoring him and making little interactions as possible to avoid me falling for him more cause clearly he does'nt see me the way I see him. What hurts more is that I found out that he kinda has a thing with one of our friend which I am close to.

Though he often pops up in my mind and miss him for some reason, I still hate him for making me feel like im easy and not worth to be serious with.

(srry for rambling ;( )