I’m tired.

Hi everyone! I want to find somewhere to write down things, so this post may seem less meaningful.

I’m a migrant; even though I have stayed here for 10 years, my parents are here with me. I got married here, and my kids are NZ citizens, but I still do not feel at home.

After having my second kid, I returned to school last year; I took the foundation course (pre-nursing), the pharmacy technician course, and an English course (academic writing). Call me crazy, but I have completed 180 credits in one semester and got all straight As (however, there is no way to compare it with a bachelor's degree). I don’t know what I want to do; I have been working for retail my whole life, and, to be honest, I hate socializing. However, I choose healthcare cause I believe that these are demanding industries, so I may quickly get a job after graduation. I was always the top student in my class, quickly getting close to my classmates, and always got a job offer from anywhere I did my placement. However, I don't feel happy at all. Things even got worse when one of the pharmacists from the pharmacy where I was doing placement told me that I was great and that the only thing that was my disadvantage was my accent. Even later, he gave me such excellent feedback and offered me a job (but I denied it due to my busy schedule). I still cannot forget what he said, which makes me even more scared to talk. I also feel like I cannot get along with Kiwi cause I cannot get their vibe; I do not understand their joke. Even now, I’m doing my placement for a pharmacy technician course; I always feel like people are looking down on me because of my accent (maybe they did not; I just have trauma about it). This feeling is killing me every day. That is also why I have been here for 10 years, using English every day, but I only make friends with Asians. Even while we speak English, understanding the culture and lifestyle makes me more confident. When I speak English with Kiwi, I care too much about all the small details and all the small grammar mistakes. For example, if I say, “There is so many people today,” people still understand, but as soon as I notice a grammar mistake, I will say one more time, “There are so many people today,” and then people start realizing that and make it even more awkward.

Now, I’m thinking about a career in finance or accounting that may not require me to face too many people daily. However, I worry that I may not be able to compete with others after graduation and may end up jobless again.

I'm sorry for being too emotional. I know I should not, but I cannot stop myself. I do not hope this post makes sense to you; I do not even understand what I’m writing now. I just have a terrible day back to pharmacy placement (even though nothing happened )