Running out of can do attitude

I lost my mom to cancer and stroke in 2023 and life’s been a shit show since. Just a few weeks ago I lost my aunt (her sister) the exact same way and everything’s just gone on. I’m severely retraumatized and I’m only working a part time job and barely making ends meet. I feel like shit for every break I take and every penny I spend.

Today I have 13 cents in my back account. I got to the final round for what seemed like a great job and I haven’t heard from them in 2 weeks. I’m exhausted and I hate feeling like I can’t take care of myself. I feel intense fear, worry, and exhaustion all the time and all the women that I trusted are gone. I want to be a surgeon and I want to not live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I got into school but if I don’t get a well-paying job I’ll have to rescind again. I want to crawl under my bed and never leave. There’s no reward for hard work. I’ve been working beyond my limits for years now to no avail. Some days I wish I’d just get hit by a bus or something bc every day begets something new. I’m tired and I don’t believe in myself anymore. Even if I did it doesn’t matter if no one else does.