I hate that weed makes me feel alive

Well that became a problem eventually, as it always does, but when it happens to a comfortable level I feel like crying, sad that I can't feel this alive while sober.

Before I go on, trigger warning if you need it since I'm gonna talk in ways that romanticise cannabis.

I hadn't smoked for over a year or a half. Tonight i scraped the kief out of my old grinder, and took a small hit from the vape I should have thrown away. I was extremely anxious, and took it very lightly. I couldn't believe how scared I was. When I was thinking about if I was gonna have a bad time I wanted to be sick just remembering all the bad times. I was telling myself it was a bad idea, but I was still excited and went ahead with it. Before that, I wrote a journal asking myself why I was going to do it, what I hoped to achieve, what I was going to do.

I really felt like I needed to think about things I was refusing to think about, and feelings I needed to feel. And I needed introspection, inspiration and perspective tonight. It's so sad to say that these feelings never really came back completely since I quit. I found them again tonight, but I didn't want to confront the catalyst I used to see them once more.

Music sounded like it used to, I felt deep empathy for the people in my life, I had creative ideas for stuff I've been working on but had a hit wall with, I was able to formulate a vision and plan for the year ahead. I let my mind wander, I didn't fight any smiles or tears. I felt so complete. I felt empathy for myself. I reflected on the year and saw the positives. I wanted to do shit, break from the cage I put myself in.

I really thought leaving weed for so long would thaw me. It's been almost two years, I can be like the guys on r/leaves who talk about how full life feels again, right? It pains me to say that tonight was the first time I have felt that in long while.

I noticed the last few months I'm drifting back to the numbing agents, drinks and pills. Stuff that weed helped me moved past, but were never a big of a problem as weed. I know it's bad since I hardly ever drink, I don't like how it feels. I just go there when I'm desperate. I'm trying to figure out why I thought the antidote to numbing was to further enforce the numbing. The real antidote was the weed.

I'm worried. I know that if I go back to using that it's extremely likely I'll end up where I always do - a robot programmed to feel only anxiety and paranoia, hard drive full of only painful memories. Nightly use and having panic attacks, learning nothing from the positive trips. But when it feels like it does tonight, it's so hard to not think about trying to work with it again, make excuses, accept that I can't be that person I wish to be without it.

I was really hoping I'd have the panic attack I was setting myself up for to scare me away for good. Tragically though... I had a wonderful time.

Edit : Thank you for the replies. It means a lot to me. I'm grateful there's a space I can share these sorts of thoughts to people who might understand.