Seeing all these teenage Mormon girls getting married and having babies is making my blood boil
I was recently scrolling Facebook for the first time in a while and I was of course bombarded by recent wedding photos and pregnancy announcements.
Because I grew up and live in Utah, most of these posts are from the kids of family friends and neighborhood families I grew up with. It won’t be surprising to most people here that not a single one of these announcements (both marriage and pregnancy) come from anyone over the age of 22.
What did take me by surprise, however, was the visceral reaction I had to seeing each of these announcements. The deep rage I felt that these teenagers had been groomed into marrying and having kids so young.
I know I am probably projecting. I got married at 20, stayed in an unhealthy and emotionally abusive marriage with someone I was not compatible with for 7 years because I was indoctrinated to do so, and then got divorced after I left the church. I’m still uncovering and processing the trauma of being married that young, and I didn’t even have kids.
Seeing other people make the same mistake I did and knowing there is such a high likelihood it will lead to severe trauma is heartbreaking to me.
So to cope I am making this post and writing down 10 ways Mormonism grooms young girls (and also boys, but mostly girls) into entering and staying in toxic relationships.
Please add any other teachings and experiences.
The teaching that we will be made perfect after we die. I have heard multiple times that even if we don’t like our spouses in this life, we will probably love a perfect version of them. So we need to stick it out and “endure to the end” in this life so we can have a happy marriage in heaven.
The teaching that “marriage is hard.” I heard this from EVERY. SINGLE. YOUNG WOMENS. LEADER. AND. BISHOP. That I had over my six years in young women’s. This led me to believing that my struggles in my marriage (that were actually severe incompatibility and at times abuse) were normal. Spoiler alert: they are not. I’ve talked to enough people now to realize that marriage is hard because life is hard. Life should not be hard because marriage is hard. When you are with the right person, it’s actually the easiest thing in the world.
The teaching that any two righteous people can make a marriage work if they are willing to sacrifice enough. There have been a million posts about this teaching on this subreddit so I won’t beat it to death. But let’s just say there are way too many Mormon marriages who don’t even like and/or aren’t even attracted to each other and just got married because they were both Mormon.
Not being able to explore your sexuality before marriage. @Stephanieannagain had an awesome post about this on Instagram the other day and how these teachings are abuse. It is abuse to teach children that their sexuality is evil before they even know what sex is. It is abuse to forbid and punish people from exploring themselves and others sexually before they enter a lifetime commitment with someone. It leads to massive amounts of sexual dissatisfaction in Mormon marriages. Differences in libidos, kinks, consent, etc. are never allowed to be determined before you commit. I have way too many friends who are regularly raped by their husbands because no one taught either of them consent.
The teaching that a woman’s greatest calling in life is to bear children. As a current university professor, THIS ONE GETS ME FIRED UP. The number of female friends, family members, and students I have had that have dropped out of school or their careers because of spousal, parental, or internalized guilt is horrific.
The teaching that every blessing is predicated on action/commandment keeping. AKA your happiness and wellbeing is all tied to YOUR righteousness. Not happy in your patriarchal marriage? YOUR FAULT. Not enjoying your sex life? YOUR FAULT. Feeling dissatisfaction with being a stay at home parent? YOUR FAULT. God, obviously you just need to be more righteous and you will be happy.
The teaching that you should have kids as soon as possible. Again, this topic has been beaten to death here. But I am convinced that if there is a devil, it would be his plan to get people married and having babies as early as possible so that they don’t have the time, maturity, or energy to heal their generational trauma and keep passing it on to future generations.
That the man presides over the family. Self explanatory really. I know multiple women who married their husbands (at 18-22) thinking they respected women and then shortly found out after marriage that their husbands expected them to cater to and listen to them for everything.
We should always forgive. While yes, forgiveness is crucial in any long term relationship. The idea that we should ALWAYS forgive leads many people to stay in abusive relationships and make excuses and justifications for toxic behaviors.
And last, that mental health challenges can be solved through righteousness. Many Mormons enter into marriage before they even know they have a mental illness, and therefore leave it unmanaged or feel guilty that they can’t fix it with righteousness. This leads to toxic and abusive behaviors towards their spouse that could be resolved if people had the right tools to manage their mental health.