I can’t do it anymore

Any exmormons I’m looking for help here, I’m supposed to serve a mission soon but my heart is not in it at all. I literally leave in 3 weeks, every day my belief is broken in much more ways than it is strengthened. There’s so much pressure around it, I’m to the point of thinking, go serve for a couple of months and if nothings changed, fold. I have a few siblings that have left the church but more that are still active, I just want to get out of this and I don’t know how, and I feel bad leaving my companion.