Long post warning. The shelf just shattered. Help please.

Sorry to write another one of these posts… but I can’t sleep, and I need to get this stuff out. I have argued with many of you on this sub as a TBM, knowing how silly all of you were for not believing in the TSCC. You fools!… my how the turn tables have turned.

Born and raised in the church. Had my mission planned out my entire life. I saw a lot of family and friends leave the church growing up and only felt sorrow for them. How could they? It was so sad to me. And strangely enough even though I don’t believe anymore it’s still sad to me. Isn’t that crazy?

Anyway… went on a mission and man did I work my butt off. I gave it everything I had, made wonderful relationships with some people I will always hold dear, and was an AP for 1/2 my mission (yeah I know I know I’m a dick). But as much as I did and still do love my mission, that’s where the cracks started happening. It came from the Book of Mormon itself. Day after day I’d sit there doing my hour of personal study and think ‘man that verse was so awkward, why did Mormon write it like that?’ Or thinking to myself ‘I wish 2nd Nephi didn’t exist, these Isaiah chapters could stop a bullet.’ Or ‘why doesn’t the Book of Mormon teach any of our unique beliefs? The plan of salvation is definitely not in this thing.’

My next big one was when my mission president explained to me and my comp one night how excommunications happen. How horrible are those trials!? There’s no revelation, it’s literally just put someone on trial and debate if they should allowed to be Mormon or not. Yeah, seems real legit. The next thing is when the church decided when I was 5 months out that if you messed around with the opposite sex in high school that you are not eligible for a mission unless it’s a special case. If your stake president feels you are a special case he can petition the first presidency to see if they will let you go on a mission. Right… so Paul killed people and Jesus makes him and Apostle, but Elder Johnson got handsy one night on a date 3 years ago so the atonement doesnt apply to him. Sure he can go to the temple and give blessings and do all that stuff. But go knock on doors every day for two years? No way. Not good enough.

The final straw?

Blood oaths: And now I find out that when I was on my mission taking my wonderful, good hearted converts through the temple for their first time that I wasn’t actually helping them get closer to God through those things in the endowment. Instead I was just having them unknowingly make promises and hand gestures indicating their own brutal deaths for revealing the hand shakes? Are you kidding me!? What am I supposed to say to them now!? Sorry I had you leave your nice little Baptist church so we could promise to disembowel ourselves for talking about Masonic handshakes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! What the actual hell! Now I know why my mom talked about being so terrified of the penalties the first time she got endowed. You can watch Elder Holland lie about this in a BBC interview where he denies this ever happened, and then admits it shortly after.

Or how about trying to explain to these dirt poor people that their 10% to build up the kingdom of God just sits in investment accounts gathering dividends so the church can build malls or start another for profit business.

By the logic the church uses for tithing I might as well open my own bank account and set aside 10% for God and as long I don’t touch the money I am free to spend the interest however I want. That’s exactly what the church does!!! How gross is that!?

I know this list goes on and on and on so I won’t go on too much longer. But man the amount of half truths that church uses every day is now so plain to me.

Clearly I am in the grieving process. Thank you for letting me share. Going forward I am going to have to be a PIMO (I’m still a Christian) because my wife is somewhere between TBM and PIMO.

I’m pissed, I’m sad, I don’t feel much hope right now. If any of you still have faith in God, can you help me through what helped you?

It’s so heartbreaking because this church is so much who I am that I realized today that someone could show me proof that Joseph Smith murdered someone in cold blood and I would still automatically work on some mental gymnastics to justify it. I think it’s because internally I’m afraid. How do I navigate life when everything I say and think and do has been linked to the church my entire life. I wish with all my heart that Joseph actually got those plates and that everyone lied about him sleeping with teenagers. I wish with every fiber of my being that the church was true.