What's in a name?

Hatred and hell.

I have hated my name pretty much my whole life. I never really developed a connection to it and the sound of it kinda grosses me out. It's also so severely common that people will talk about multiple other people with my name to me, which is just confusing. Anyways, I've been planning on changing it eventually and I'm at the best time in my life to do that. I am finishing high school soon, I don't have a lot of friends or family left who'll be left to cause an issue about it, and I'm still young so I don't have a whole lot of documents to update about it.

So I've been going through all the names I've liked the past ~ ten years from the notebooks I've saved, and I can definitely see the lifelong fixations show through. My trouble is though, when I look at myself in the mirror, I cannot see myself having any name at all. What is a name. For other people, their name is inherent. Like why wouldn't this guy be named Jake? That's Jake. Me? No name. How am I supposed to get rid of the name I hate if I cannot identify myself as having the capacity for a name?

I also kind of have this issue with gender, like all of my interests lead me to be very feminine presenting, which luckily I am female, but like what is gender? Idk how that's something someone feels. It's so fake to me like just let me live bro. I've talked to people who are secure in their gender, both assigned at birth or transitioned, and they're just like "idk I feel woman <3" HOW ? ur lying 2 me. And then all my trans and nb besties just casually find a new name for themselves and tell me "it just felt right!" NO. Give me the mathematical formula rn.

I would like to be nameless and genderless and actual imperceivable. No perceiving. Who is that over there? Oh that's